Living With A Roommate Who Never Leaves The House Is Harder Than You’d Think, She Says
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There’s a difference between being alone in your bedroom and knowing you’re completely alone in your home—or at least that’s what one renter argues.
After previously living with a roommate who was seemingly always home, OP moved into a new apartment and was surprised when her new roommate began voluntarily letting her know whenever she’d be out for a few hours. The reason? Her roommate understood that sometimes it simply “feels different” to have an entire living space to yourself.
OP quickly realized how much she agreed. She says having occasional stretches of true solitude makes her feel more comfortable using common areas and gives her a chance to completely decompress. Now she’s questioning why wanting a roommate to occasionally leave the house is so often treated as an unreasonable expectation.
Being at home completely alone sometimes can be crucial for mental health
I see a lot of posts on here expressing their frustration/claustrophobia at having a roommate who is at home literally all the time, even if they are just in their room. Actually most of them are about roommates who stay in their room quietly.
I resisted posting something similar after reading the feedback and determining that I must be reacting from a less than considerate space.
I just moved into an apartment where my roommate (who owns the apartment) surprised me by texting me from the afternoon of my arrival little updates on when she’d be out of the house and for how long.
Hmmm…
I thought she did this so that I could be more attentive to her cats or something, but she explained that it was because “it just feels different being in a living space alone.”
It’s a small apartment, but my last roommate and I also shared a small space and it always felt like he was standing next to me just because of him constantly shouting at something on his computer or sort of moaning in frustration (at a news article probably).
So inconsiderate of how sound travels. And honestly it was still just the physical presence thing.
No respect.
In my experience, my current roommate is right. My depression and anxiety, and as a result intellectual curiosity and creativity, are affected by someone being nearby. Especially if I am in the common spaces and they can hear everything I’m doing through their door/wall.
Maybe I am hypersensitive, but that’s not really something a person can easily change. Leaving the house for a few hours a few times a week (even just that, much less every day).
Doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, unless the person has debilitating agoraphobia, and even then small amounts/microdoses of exposure therapy is what they should be doing anyway.
The responses were divided, with plenty of people understanding OP’s desire for genuine alone time while strongly disagreeing with the idea that a roommate should be expected to provide it.
Many commenters agreed that having the house completely to yourself really does feel different. Even a quiet roommate behind a closed door can create a subtle awareness that someone else is nearby, and readers understood why occasional solitude could be valuable.
But others pointed out the unavoidable problem: a roommate pays to live there too. Unless both people explicitly agreed beforehand to regularly give each other the apartment, neither person is obligated to leave their own home simply because the other’s mental health benefits from being alone.
Commenters were also critical of OP’s suggestion that staying home frequently isn’t “a lot to ask” someone to change, particularly when she brought agoraphobia and exposure therapy into the argument. Readers felt it wasn’t her place to decide how often another person should leave home—or what someone with a mental health condition should be doing about it.
Ultimately, commenters largely agreed with OP’s central point that true alone time can feel wonderful. They just felt that wanting it and being entitled to receive it from a roommate are two very different things.
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This person says being alone has its perks…and discrpencies.
This person relates.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about annoying neighbors who end up regretting their request for a property survey.
And this person has a lot of questions.
Wanting the apartment to yourself sometimes is completely understandable—expecting your roommate to leave so you can have it is where things get complicated.
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