October 20, 2022 at 12:25 pm

12 Funny Marriage Tweets That Are a Real Kick in the Pants

by Matthew Gilligan

It’s time to get kicked in the pants…by funny marriage tweets!

So what do you say?

Are y’all ready for this?

Get started now!

1. Just accept it.

You can’t win!

How to tell you’re going to lose an argument with your wife:

1. You’re in an argument with your wife

— Mike (@Parentpains) August 26, 2022

2. He’s not listening…again…

Will he ever learn?

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

— Julie (The Texan Minnesotan) (@juliepafoofnic) August 9, 2022

3. Like dealing with a little kid.

Come on!

My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need?

Me: I’m ready. Let’s go.

My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

— Halloween 👻 Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 3, 2022

4. They would know your plight.

It’s not easy!

Men would be more humble if some of their clothes zipped up from the back.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 27, 2022

5. Have to do it early in the morning.

And then spend the rest of the day debating it…

Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am

Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. I’d never turn down pizza either haha

— Pual Chikmo (@PualChikmo) August 14, 2022

6. Instant karma.

He really blew it!

My husband just snuck a glass out of the clean dishwasher and quietly relocked it so he wouldn’t have to unload it. Then he accidentally dropped it and it shattered. Instant karma for the win!

— Killer Candy Corn 👻🎃 (@sixfootcandy) August 26, 2022

7. He’ll get what’s coming to him.

On very thin ice…

My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022

8. That is HOT.

It’s gonna be a sultry evening.

Me: Let's go home, watch a movie in bed and put heating pads on our backs
Wife: I've never been so turned on right now

— Stefan Gozer Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) September 6, 2022

9. Smart guy!

I think that’s gonna work.

I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they ask my wife for ID.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 31, 2022

10. This. Right here.

Every single time.

there are two types of people:

those who require subtitles to watch anything and those who can’t stand to have them on at all

and they marry each other

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 18, 2022

11. Don’t fight it.

It’s just not worth it…

I don’t know much about women but after many years of marriage one piece of advice I can give is this:

For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2022