There comes a time in everyone’s life when you’re put on the spot and asked to tell a joke. I don’t know how or when it will happen to you, but rest assured, you’d be better off having a good one tucked in your back pocket.
These people are willing to lend you theirs, so read on.
You can’t do that!
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He was disqualified!
Always an Irishman.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness.
He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.
He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.
The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that.
“Oh it’s for my brother’s. We live all over the world and don’t get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week.”
“That’s lovely.” Says the barman and wishes him well.
This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars.
Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing.
The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” he says pointing at the pints.
Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, “No, we’re all fine. I just gave up drinking.”
Put it together.
What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor…
I mean…
Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home?
A double whammy.
Took my kids to the zoo and all they had was this little dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
I’m not even sure you can call that a zoo. To qualify as a zoo you need at least two pandas and a grizzly. That’s the bear minimum.
I snorted.
A sheep farmer has a talking dog. One day he asks it to get all his sheep into the pen.
A little while later the dog says “job’s done, all 40 sheep accounted for”
“40!? I have 36 sheep, not 40” the farmer says.
The dog replied “I know, I rounded them up”
Mums the word.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, “Thank you.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”
I kind of like this one.
A man is walking through the woods when he finds a suitcase. Curled up under the suitcase are a fox and four cubs. He immediately calls animal control to report what he found.
“Oh no that’s terrible,” says the animal control worker, “are they moving?”
“I dunno,” says the man, “but I guess that would explain the suitcase.”
Try to keep up.
What’s the difference between an owl, a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish
What about the owl?
Who?
My first time.
Ugh. That’s like the 911 call joke.
911: 911, what the emergency?
Caller: “Help I’ve been shot!”
911: “Ok. Remain calm. Tell me, how many times have you been shot?”
Caller: “Uh, this is my first time ..”
Very pretty.
Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in a jar of glitter?
Pretty nuts, right?
Dad joke alert.
I told my doctor, “I broke my arm in three places.”
He told me that I should stop going to those places.
Clearly.
guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saren wrap, psychiatrist says “well i can clearly see your/you’re nuts”
Saw that one coming.
Guy goes to the doctor, says “Doctor! Everything hurts! I don’t know what to do!”
Doctor says, “Go ahead and touch your knee for me.”
Patient does it. “Ow, that hurts!”
Doctor: “Okay, now touch your wrist.”
Patient: “Ow, that hurts!”
Doctor: “Now touch your cheek.”
Patient: “Ow, that hurts!”
Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”
So many nuts.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel?”
Pirate says, “I dunno, but arrrgggh, it’s driving me nuts!”
I can’t stop laughing.
One day, a man is waxing the car with his son.
His son looks up and says, “You know you can use a rag for this, right?”
Just a reflection.
‘A man went to confession Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had s*x with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had s*x with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.
That’s when you know it’s a good one.
Do you know who’ve been through a lot of s*%t but are still together?
My buttcheeks.
Friend told me that one as I was going through a bad breakup.
Lol
Oh yeah…
A guy’s sitting in a bar just getting absolutely hammered drunk. He gets so wasted that he throws up all over himself. He says to himself “Aw man, my wife is gonna kill me. She just got me this shirt and here I am getting drunk in a bar and throwing up all over it.”
The guy sitting next to him says “Buddy, relax. Take $10, put it in your shirt pocket, and when you get home, tell her that some other guy got drunk and threw up on you and gave you the 10 bucks to get your shirt cleaned.”
The man says “Oh my god that’s f**king brilliant. I’ll do that.” And he leaves the bar to go home.
When he opens the door, his wife immediately starts laying into him. “Oh my f**king god, you god damn drunk. I just bought you that f**king shirt and you already ruined it. Look at you, getting sick all over yourself. You’re a f**king embarrassment.”
The man says “Baby, baby, please it’s not like that. Some other guy at the bar got drunk and he’s the one who threw up all over me. He even gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned.” And he gestures towards the bill sticking out of his shirt pocket.
His wife grabs the bill and says “But this is $20.”
And the man says “Oh yeah, he also s*%t my pants.”
This one never gets old.
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
Ones really heavy and ones a little lighter.
Some of these aren’t half bad.
So take your pick. And maybe grab a backup, too.