Man, family dynamics and relationship dynamics can get messy so quickly – especially, it seems, when there is money involved.

I can’t imagine that standing in stead for a deceased sibling would make things anything but harder.

OP is one of the trustees on an account for her young nephew.

My (34f) brother “Dave” passed away 3 years ago, leaving behind his wife, “Issy”, and son “Miles” (now 8). Issy has two other children (11 year old twins) from her ex.

When Dave died, he left all his money in a trust structure for Miles. Issy is only allowed to use the money to take care of Miles, and In order to access any of the money, Issy must have my written agreement or the trustees will not release funds.

This money pays for Miles’s prep school.

It was dedicated for his care only, but she knows that her sister-in-law has lied in the past and used the money for his other kids.

There have been occasions in the past where Issy has lied about what she wants money for, and I’ve signed off on her getting money only for her to not use the money for Miles, but for things for her other kids.

Since I realised this, I normally just buy things Miles needs out of my own pocket so that Issy can’t use these needs as an excuse to extort money.

This time, it’s because she says she can’t afford Christmas gifts.

A few days ago Issy called me and said she needed some money and she wanted to be honest this time.

She said she had no money after bills and other expenses to buy Christmas presents for her kids this year, and wanted to use some of Miles’s money to do so.

She said she won’t spend extravagantly, but she knows that Miles will be getting big gifts from our side of the family and she won’t be able to give her kids anything.

She said she doesn’t want the twins to resent Miles more than they already do (Miles has told me they bully him at home) and that she just needs a bit of help to make things equal.

OP hemmed and hawed but ended up denying her request.

I was a bit irritated that she was trying to excuse her lack of parenting as the childrens’ fault and that the only way she could think to stop her kids’ bad behaviour is use Miles’s money as a shortcut.

Ultimately I said no, because I feel like spending Miles’s money on people who are cruel to him would not be what he wanted (he’s not old enough that I want to burden him by asking him directly), and would be against the spirit of the trust my brother set up.

Now she’s feeling badly.

Issy has been blowing up my phone making me feel like trash for saying no, saying I am ruining her Christmas and making Miles’s siblings hate him more, and it’s really starting to get to me.

But on the other hand I’m not sure I can justify saying yes, and I don’t want this to open the door to further requests.

At the end of the day this is not even my money, someday Miles will have access to the money and the accounts and every time I sign off on a request, I think if I had to answer to an older Miles, would I be able to justify the purchase, and the answer here was no.

But I’m really struggling. AITA?

Should she? You know Reddit will let her know!

The top comment is super concerned about the SIL’s parenting.

And obviously her money issues aren’t the trust’s problem.

Her late husband likely knew this.

Still, it must be hard as a mother.

This person had some stern words for OP, though.

This is such a hard situation.

In the end, all she can do is the right thing for her nephew.

If you thought that was an interesting story, check this one out about a man who created a points system for his inheritance, and a family friend ends up getting almost all of it.