When getting married, you want to make sure that everything goes according to plan.

Sometimes, that means only inviting adult friends and family, and asking that they leave their kids at home.

What happens if a relative brings their little ones to a child-free event?

That’s what happened in this story, and the response is oh-so-satisfying.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Petty

I got married a few years ago now, and though I wasn’t a total bridezilla, there was one no-exceptions no-compromise clause that I had with my husband about our day.

No big deal at all.

The wedding must be child-free.

I’ve never really got on with kids and growing up as the unpaid zookeeper eldest child with at least eleven cousins I had the horror pleasure of being forced to babysit seeing multiple times a week meant I was pretty much surrounded by kids.

My husband knew this and he agreed one day not surrounded by gobby little brats precious little angels wasn’t too much to ask.

So, I put ‘Child-Free Wedding’ on all the invitations, knowing the invited guests would respond with respect.

At least that was the plan.

There has to be one.

Enter one of my aunts, known as Aunt D, and her trio of snot-nosed gremlins my beloved cousins aged 10, 7, and 4, shoving each other being typical little boys and running amok and screaming working off their energy around the outdoor venue during the ceremony, whilst Aunt D sat there and let them cause total chaos amuse themselves.

After all, they were just being hellspawn typical young boys.

This is where my chief bridesmaid HollyDunmer steps in.

We’ve known each other since she was the same age as Aunt D’s youngest snotrag angel, and she was due to give a speech during the reception over the three demon brats’ screaming to the bride and groom.

She’s also a professional (and most importantly, fast) writer, and at times can have zero filter.

So I pulled her aside, and asked if she wouldn’t mind editing her little speech for me.

I wish I were there to hear it!

Soon enough, the speeches came, things seemed to go as plan, then HollyDunmer stood up to give hers, which she’d loaded with innuendos and rigged with various explosive expletives ready to drop in every other sentence.

For me, my husband, and most of our guests, this was well needed comic relief pretty standard, as we weren’t the most serious of people.

For Aunt D however, this was utterly horrifying!

Well, she brought them!

How dare I let such a vulgar speech assault the delicate ears of her innocent babies!

I mean, it’s not like her youngest hellspawn angel had ever heard any of those words before!

After the speeches, once I’d had three glasses of a few sips of champagne and her annoying little brats sweet little angels were charging around the dancefloor having fun, Aunt D comes up to me and points her finger straight at my chief bridesmaid, demanding asking to know why on Earth I’d allowed such a hilarious speech writer vulgar little trollop to say such things in front of her brats children.

Whether it was the champagne or just general giddiness making me brave remains to be decided, but I just calmly pointed out to her that the wedding was child-free.

When she yelled asked to know what difference that meant, I said “Child-free, as in no children, as in they shouldn’t have been around to hear it in the first place.”

Oh the shock on her face.

Needless to say, she took her crotch-spawn precious babies home early, leaving three precious child-free hours left to enjoy my wedding day.

Wow, that is quite the story!

Let’s see what people had to say about it.

I think it should have been obvious.

Sometimes those are the best.

This person is not leaving anything to chance.

It really made it funny.

She got what she deserved!

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a daughter who invited herself to her parents’ 40th anniversary vacation for all the wrong reasons.