Dating someone can be complicated, especially when you need to factor in their family and culture.

What would you do if your boyfriend’s mom (who didn’t know you were more than friends) asked you to help with a surprise birthday party, but you knew that he hated surprises?

That is the situation that the girlfriend in this story is in, and she doesn’t know what to do. She has to decide between upsetting him by going along with the surprise party or upsetting his mom by ruining the surprise.

Let’s read the whole story.

AITA for not telling my boyfriend about a surprise birthday dinner his mom is planning, even though he hates surprises (and we just fought about hiding things)?

I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for over a year now.

We’re pretty serious, but we haven’t told our families yet (classic brown parents situation), so they think we’re just “office friends.”

His 25th birthday is in a few days, and here’s where things get complicated.

This seems like a really fun time for everyone.

His mom is planning a surprise birthday dinner for him. She’s invited our shared group of 8 friends and personally called me to be there.

The plan is: I take him out for lunch, stall him until 4:30 PM, ask him to go home and rest, and then we all arrive later at the restaurant after his parents, as a big surprise.

Here’s the problem:

He hates surprises.

I completely understand where he is coming from.

His parents didn’t really celebrate birthdays while he was growing up no gifts, no parties, just “useful things only” and that shaped how he sees his birthday even now.

It’s not trauma, but it is emotionally loaded.

He feels uncomfortable being surprised or having attention on him to the point where he tells us exactly what gift to get him, so no one “messes it up.”

Now, the bigger twist:

Just last night, we had a small fight because he hid something minor from me (a job thing), and I told him straight up that “hiding is lying.” We patched it up, but not perfectly.

Wow, this really is a difficult situation.

Later, I sort of accidentally hinted that I was also hiding something from him (aka, this surprise dinner plan).

He instantly got tense and said if I ruin his birthday with something he didn’t ask for, it’ll seriously mess with his mood.

But I didn’t tell him what it was.

She’s wondering if she should tell him.

Now I’m torn.

• If I tell him, I’ll 100% be the one who ruined the surprise, and it’ll be obvious to his mom, who thinks I’m just his friend. It isn’t my place. That might affect how she sees me later (which matters because… Indian families, marriage, approval, all that jazz).
• If I don’t tell him, and he walks into a surprise he might hates, it might ruin the entire day and our trust. Especially since I just told him that “honesty is everything.”

Would I be wrong if I chose not to tell him? Or is it worse to ruin the surprise that his mom genuinely planned with love?

WIBTA?

Honestly, this is a lose-lose situation. No matter what she does, she is going to upset someone. I think she should go to his Mom and try to turn the surprise party into a normal party.

Let’s see if the people in the comments have anything helpful to add.

This person says she is a hypocrite.

This commenter says to just hint at what is going on.

He was clear about what he wanted.

This commenter says she should tell him.

Yup, just be honest about it, and he can help determine how to proceed.

This is a very difficult situation, but she should side with her boyfriend.

If you liked that post, check out this story about a guy who was forced to sleep on the couch at his wife’s family’s house, so he went to a hotel instead.