She’s on her fourth attempt at a career-defining exam. She told her partner exactly what she needed—structure, peace, and one celebratory dinner she could actually enjoy guilt-free.

What she got instead? A surprise party, ignored boundaries, and a complete emotional crash.

Was she wrong to be upset?

Read on for the story.

AITA: Surprise birthday = ruined birthday

Me (29 F) have been with my partner (33 M) for about a decade now.

Although I enjoy the sentiment of a surprise decorated bedroom, flowers, or gift – I absolutely hate surprise parties. Is that too high of an expectation for my partner?

Today is my 29th birthday with the same partner. I am preparing for a very important board examination, of which I am on my 4th attempt out of 5 (everything is riding on this exam), and it is next week.

I have been very clear with my partner what kind of support I need from him. I have myself on a strict lock-down schedule of just studying, 1.5 hour afternoon walk, and grocery runs ONLY. It has been this way for the last month.

All work, no play.

I also have complex-PTSD and live daily with a loud self-critic consciousness (yes, I am seeing a therapist weekly for this and yes, my partner knows this – I debrief with him after every therapy session).

We discussed my birthday plans.

Since it has been a long time since I have been able to put makeup on and dress up, I was looking forward to my birthday dinner (so much).

I picked out an outfit, a makeup look, press-on nails I wanted to wear. I told him, the day before my birthday, I am going to study all day so that I can feel accomplished and enjoy my actual birthday – with no self-hate of not deserving. HE KNOWS THIS.

Uh oh…

I am studying peacefully at home as I am waiting for his return. I call him and he immediately starts acting suspicious.

At this point, I feel it in my gut that he is planning something.

I almost want to tell him PLEASE DON’T HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY… but I don’t because I know whatever he is planning, he has already been working on it for the last 3 hours. I already feel bad at this point.

We end up going to the brother’s house because he “forgot something”. Ofc, I am grateful but I am also so upset. I ended up wasting the rest of my day surrounded by people who I am not very fond of (his family).

AHHH.

I am the surprisee, I can’t just say “ok thank you but I have to go home now.” – NO. I sit there. Waiting for my partner to wrap it up. He never does.

I propose a suggestion: “Oh remember we were going to go to the mall. Should we go now?”

Today is my bday. I am triggered to the point where I can’t even study. I am so upset, to the point where I no longer have anything nice to say. I have expressed again and again, that I need to LOCK-IN and study but he just keeps playing games, encourages me to play with him. Keeps going out, encourages me to go out with him.

I told my therapist I am tired of being stuck, her response is that one day, I am going to wake up and want to change. I want to change.

How complex.

I know he was just trying to make me feel loved but it was so poorly executed and we already had a clear plan.

This surprise was last minute (I know because he told me) and poorly executed. I got an ice-cream cake on a flavor I didn’t even ask for.

AITA!!! I already had a plan to navigate the mean parts of me. I want to complain to him but I need to hear everyone’s thoughts first.

What was supposed to be one relaxing day turned into hours of smiling through gritted teeth, derailed plans, and the slow unraveling of her mental focus.

Reddit had thoughts, and let’s just say…this birthday wasn’t the only thing ruined.

This person has several valid points.

This person has a few suspicious questions.

And this person says it’s clear: He is NOT for OP.

He surprised her with cake, chaos, and a complete disregard for everything she asked for.

If you thought that was an interesting story, check out what happened when a family gave their in-laws a free place to stay in exchange for babysitting, but things changed when they don’t hold up their end of the bargain.