It’s tough watching someone live recklessly and then expect you to clean up the mess.

So, what would you do if your mother, who was neglectful when you were growing up, suddenly expected you to take care of her after years of irresponsible choices?

Would you feel obligated to help? Or would you set some clear boundaries and tell her to figure it out herself?

In the following story, one daughter finds herself in this exact situation and is conflicted about what to do.

Here’s her story.

AITA – My Mom (63F) expects me (30F) to care for her in her old age, AITA if I tell her to figure it out herself?

My Mom is currently looking into hip surgery, and trying to figure out how life looks for her going forward & expects me to “help.” We will talk later today, so I’d like to be prepared to tell her no.

I’m not sure if I should be upfront with my perspective on this ask and our relationship, or if I’m being shortsighted and should suck it up since she’s my mom.

She’s 63 and retired 15 years ago, pursuing instead a soap and reselling business that has kept her afloat since then, as she never saved for retirement.

Her mother’s way of life is questionable.

She lives in a small studio and has a car, but she has little else to her name. She collects Social Security, and all other income goes unreported.

Since she “works for herself,” she is free to come and go and do as she pleases with the money she does make—over the past 10 years, she has traveled to I think 4 different countries, regularly buys random herbal supplements, and generally lives “in the moment.”

I see all of this as extremely irresponsible, something she has been doing my whole life.

Even though their relationship is better, this is a line she doesn’t want to cross.

She’s now considering surgery that will confine her to her studio for at least four weeks of healing time. She will be unable to make money, most likely by herself, if I can’t be there (she cuts relationship ties at the smallest slights and doesn’t have many local friends).

We currently have a “pretty good” relationship, because I have physical distance from her and have forgiven her for her mistakes in my childhood, for my own mental health.

I have a sibling who is no contact with her for these same mistakes. I truly believe she has made her bed and, as it is, now has to lie in it.

On one hand, she wants to be honest with her mother.

I do know when we talk later, she’s going to ask me to come help her, and I don’t know how to approach saying no, or if I should say no.

She was always a selfish and neglectful parent, and when it was her turn to care for me, she did the bare minimum (all of 2 years as a teenager, didn’t even make it to 18).

I feel like I want to tell her exactly that and make it clear to her that she has never taken accountability for anything. She put herself in the position of having no money or resources so she could galavant the world.

Now, she doesn’t know what to do.

On the other hand, I also feel some amount of responsibility for the woman who birthed me, a woman who had a hard and traumatizing life as well, but doesn’t have the resources to help in any real capacity.

I don’t have money to throw at the problem, and I don’t want to use all my time off for the year taking care of her.

I wouldn’t get paid if I took leave, which I won’t even qualify to take until another six months from now.

AITA?

Yikes! This sounds like a very stressful situation.

Let’s check out what the readers over at Reddit think about everything going on.

This person thinks she shouldn’t feel guilty for not helping.

Here’s someone who thinks she should be clear about her boundaries.

This reader thinks it’s crazy to retire at 47.

According to this comment, she should just say no and be very vague.

She should set boundaries.

If you thought that was an interesting story, check this one out about a man who created a points system for his inheritance, and a family friend ends up getting almost all of it.