Imagine living in the same house as your landlord, and she is kind of sort of a friend. But as time goes on, you realize that she doesn’t treat you or your belongings with respect. Would you call her out on it, set firm boundaries, or move out?

In this story, one woman is in this situation, and she’s trying to set boundaries when it comes to her car. However, she’s feeling guilty about it.

Let’s read the whole story.

AITAH for putting conditions on lending my car to friend/landlord after she crashed it before?

I feel really confused about a situation that I keep replaying in my mind and I need to know: am I in the wrong?

Over the weekend late at a party, my friend (who is also my live-in landlord) asked to borrow my car on Monday to collect some belongings from her sister (north London to south London).

I paused for a second (I’ll explain why below) and said yes, but added that if anything got broken during that time, it would also be her responsibility to fix it.

The mood completely changed.

Her face went stony and the mood immediately turned icy.

I asked if that was okay to say that/if she was ok.

She told me that saying that made her feel like a child, and that it really ticks her off when I lend her my things but add “qualifiers”. That she’s done a lot of favours for me in that car and this wasn’t raised when I needed her help.

I apologised for making her feel that way and clarified it wasn’t my intention to make her feel small.

We haven’t spoke since.

Her landlord and friend doesn’t seem like the most responsible driver.

So here’s the context, specifically around the car.

When I moved in, I bought a car because I had serious mobility restrictions following a surgical accident. I offered her use of it from time to time.

Later, when I had to be abroad during the time the car needed its MOT, we agreed that she’d take it to the garage, and in return I’d pay to insure her on the car for a few months and she could use it freely.

During that time she had a minor accident (thankfully she wasn’t hurt), but the car had to be towed from a ditch. I also received police letters about speeding offences while I was out of the country. I handled all of that remotely – RAC, police, admin, etc.

But the situation was really even worse.

When I got back, the car had dents and scratches I hadn’t been told about and was making jolting noises/struggling to run.

I took it to the garage and paid a few hundred pounds to fix it.

I raised this and she affirmed it was nothing to do with her, there were also other items from my room broken and not explained.

Since then, I’ve learned she’s crashed cars before without disclosing it (a mutual friend questioned why I would lend her my car?), and I’ve overheard her joking about crashing my car to other people (the stories sound more intense than at the time).

On top of that, several other belongings I’ve lent her have been returned broken or not returned at all.

This landlord situation sounds awful.

The complication is that she’s also my live-in landlord, which has massively blurred boundaries around my possessions and our friendship in general.

There’s often an assumption that my things can just be used/taken without asking.

This goes beyond the car.

This all sounds so stressful.

There have also been repeated changes to my housing terms:

How long I can stay (we have a contract but the goal posts change on a regular basis you can stay forever, I need to decide today if you can live her anymore, you have to leave soon, oh no you can stay till its convenient for you and these generally revolve around her mood), rent amounts (changed so many times for shifting reasons, again mood tends to be a pre-determiner), being discouraged from having guests after first being told it was ok (especially after major surgeries) but also berated for not having guests when she’s feeling like socialising, and more recently every time I come through the door – where have you been?

Like a real desire to know my whereabouts 24/7.

My life has already been heavily restricted/changed due to illness, so this dynamic has been really hard on me and is taking up more headspace than it would if I was well and I feel like my read on the situation feels in turmoil.

She wants to move out.

I’ve tried raising things gently, directly, and also just letting small things go to keep the peace. But I’ve come to the firm conclusion that I need to leave this situation, it’s just taking me longer to find a suitable place because of my health.

When it comes to lending my things, especially something as essential to me as my car, I feel like it’s reasonable to say “yes, but under X conditions”. Or even to say no, without it causing a stinking vibe. Otherwise it is really a question/choice, but a demand.

For what it’s worth, I have lent her the car since the crash (lord that’s reminding me of a time at Christmas when she’d had some drinks and insisted upon taking it because cabs were too expensive), as well as other high-value items, but I don’t feel my things are treated with care, and when I ask for basic follow-through it often doesn’t happen.

She’s wondering if she’s being unreasonable.

I’m preparing for the mood to sour a bit since it’s Monday (the window the car was requested to be lent) and we haven’t spoken anymore, my mind won’t stop going over and over all this.

I feel like it’s not that deep but then again I know the fallout will be and I need to get outside of myself for some feedback.

AITAH? Should I of just said yes? Like am I being unreasonable here?

Her landlord sounds manipulative and just plain awful. She needs to get out of there right away, and she definitely shouldn’t give her the keys to her car!

Let’s see how Reddit reacted to this situation.

She really does need to move out.

This is good advice.

Here’s another vote for moving out.

This person thought the answer was clear just from the title alone.

She needs to find a new place to live immediately!

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