When you move into an apartment with someone, it is important to set boundaries and have rules that keep everyone happy.

What would you do if your new roommate was always complaining about things and causing you trouble, and she even had her mother stay with you for weeks at a time without contributing extra to the rent or utilities?

That is what happened to the young woman in this story, so she reported it to the landlord becuase it as a violation of the rules, but now things are just getting worse, so she thinks she might have made a mistake.

Read through the full story below and see what you think.

AITAH for reporting my disabled roommate’s mom as an unauthorized occupant to our landlord?

I (29F) have lived with my roommate (29F) on a joint lease since February of last year.

Chronic diseases can be very difficult to live with.

Important context: my roommate has an autoimmune disease. My own mom has the same one too, so I understand that it can be unpredictable and scary.

I’m not trying to minimize what she’s dealing with. I’ve genuinely tried to be compassionate and helpful.

But I also feel like her condition has slowly become the reason that my comfort, boundaries, and finances are always expected to come second.

Seems like a good fit.

We first connected because she had posted on Facebook about needing a roommate for an apartment that she was approved for (with a co-signer, not by herself) and needed someone else to be approved to join her on the lease and pay for the deposit.

All of this is important, bear with me. I thought she was really cool (she’s a performer/social media girlie, I’m very much not bold enough for that life).

They clearly didn’t rush into this.

We decided to do some FaceTimes to meet each other since she was back on the East Coast at the time, and thought it was cool.

We come from the same minority and faith, she thought my miniature dog was cute, we agreed to family coming over, no male overnight guests (like boyfriends/one night stands), and some other things like only clean eco cleaning supplies in the common areas because of her condition.

They had an unusual beginning to being roommates.

When we first started the lease, I was already away house-sitting for my boss for the first five weeks.

During that time, my roommate got to live there alone with her mom, who came for a couple of weeks, and settled into the space before I was really there.

You have to be flexible when you have a roommate.

I think that may have shaped the dynamic from the beginning, because the apartment has often felt like her place that I’m “allowed” to live in, instead of a shared home we both pay for.

Even still, I tried to be welcoming. She was moving across the US alone (which I did a few years ago) and she didn’t have much, so I told her she could use my kitchen stuff until she can afford to get her own—dishes, cookware, etc—as long as she took care of it.

I wanted her to feel comfortable. I wanted us to have a good roommate relationship.

Wow, this is excessive.

One of the first issues that came up was utilities. Multiple times while I was house-sitting, before I’d fully moved in, I walked into the apartment, and the heat was set to 80 degrees.

The fireplace was on, a space heater was going in her room, and the heater in her bathroom was also on, all at the same time.

Splitting the bills 50/50 is not fair in this situation.

If that was because of her condition, I understand needing warmth. But we split bills evenly, and there is no universe where my energy usage was going to be anywhere close to that, especially since I had been gone for most of that billing period.

I’ll admit that when I fully moved in, I didn’t bring it up in the best way. The first weekend I moved in, I noticed that on top of those other items, she likes to take two to three 45-minute showers almost every day (!!).

Conflict is always difficult.

I may have a full-time job, but we live in an expensive area and I am not rolling in the dough like that.

I’m very non-confrontational, so I emailed her about it (I know, idiot—I told her as much later that I didn’t approach this correctly) but I was trying to talk about fairness.

I use energy-efficient lights, I’m mindful about showers, and I generally try to be conscious of utilities because I want to be respectful of both our pockets (especially since I started getting an inkling that she may have money issues in that first month of living together).

I suppose this is a compromise.

She agreed to pay 60% of the energy bill for the first billing period (so the first 2 months). Since I was gone for five weeks of it, even that was probably generous on my end, but whatever lol.

Looking back, maybe that conversation put a bad taste in her mouth. I don’t know. But from there, things kept getting… weird.

This is extremely petty

For example: I got groceries one time, and moved her fruit over in the fruit bowl to make space for mine.

I kid you not that I got a text later that day telling me not to touch her stuff and to ask before moving things over. I was like?? It’s a fruit bowl, but okay.

It is going to be very difficult living with someone like this.

Another time, my dog was in her room trying to get out right before bedtime; she was on the phone, so to not interrupt, I gently tapped open her (already ajar) door to let him out, didn’t look inside at all, and pulled her door closed again.

She texted me moments later saying that I crossed a boundary by opening her door (it was already open!! My dog just couldn’t squeeze through).

The complaints are silly, but sometimes AI helps to formulate thoughts better.

We also have a shoes-off house, and one time I forgot something as I was leaving and ran back to my room with my heels on.

Not even 10 minutes after I walked out, I got an AI-generated text from her talking about “click-clack! I heard your shoes, bet they’re cute. Can you remember to take your shoes off?” and yadda yadda.

Also—it’s super clear that almost every text and email she sends me comes straight from ChatGPT lmao. Like, no original thoughts are in these arguments she makes with me.

There is no way these two will be able to remain roommates long term.

But wait, it gets worse.

By June, her money problems started really showing, and the double standards got more obvious.

I told her a month and a half in advance that I had two out-of-town friends planning to come visit me for less than 48 hours.

In response, my roommate asked me to pay for what they used—electricity, paper towels, the electricity generated from them taking a shower, and even phone charges.

Having a guest over hardly costs anything.

PHONE. CHARGES. For guests staying less than two days??

I told her I would 100% be open to contributing more if they were staying for a week and actually living in the apartment full-time, but that was not this situation.

And any energy they would be generating would literally not matter because I had been away housesitting for yet another month at this point.

Trying to track utility costs precisely is impossible.

The three of us were barely there anyway, because we were out in these streets sightseeing.

Yay, had a fun time, and my roommate (maybe?) saw how ridiculous she was being and how insane it would be to actually track guests like that, because with me gone all the time, she would always be at a deficit and need pay more for our utility bills.

These rules are getting crazy.

In July, we had more guest issues. We had agreed to no male overnight guests, which I was fine with.

But then, it became a problem for me to have my then-boyfriend over for even a few hours.

She finally agreed to max 4 hours at a time lol—he came over exactly once. Mind you, the only guests I’d had over since February at this point were my two friends from June and him in July.

Rules need to be applied equally.

And then on top of that, she decided that this “no male overnight guest” clause also meant that my brother (who lives out of state) couldn’t come visit.

We had agreed that family was okay, and this entire time, her mom and sometimes aunt had been coming and going whenever they wanted, often with very little notice.

She really is trying to be accommodating.

So, the rule seems to be: my guests are a problem, my family is a problem, but her family, anytime for any amount, is okay??

Then, the temperature issue has also continued. Because of her condition, my roommate likes it warmer, and I’ve tried to accommodate that.

When it’s cold at night, we’d have the heat on for her; I sleep better in cool air, so I would open my window and close my vent so I could sleep and so more heat would go to her room.

Sleeping in a very hot home is miserable.

But we live somewhere extremely hot, so in the summer, we’d have the AC set to an agreed temperature; instead of closing her vent like I did at night, she’d just turn the AC off, and I’d wake up in the middle of the night sweating.

I brought this up to her multiple times, saying that it was affecting my sleep when she raised the temp or shut off the AC. But she kept doing it.

These two just aren’t compatible.

Mind you – I raise the AC in the morning so that it’s comfortable for her; I was only asking for this accommodation at night.

So. I’m expected to just deal with being hot and not able to sleep? And I understand she has a condition.

But her comfort cannot always mean that my comfort goes completely out the window!

She is really going out of her way to help her roommate here.

Then, in November, my roommate had a medical event related to her condition.

She woke me up in the middle of the night, saying that she needed to get out of the parking space to drive herself to the hospital.

I was like, girl are you crazy? And I drove her myself and spent the night there with her, brought her groceries, and grabbed her clothes/toiletries from home.

Of course, it is no problem for her mom to stay at the apartment.

I tried to help where I could, even though I have a high-stress job and my own life. Again, my mom has lupus, so I was not indifferent to what was happening.

After that, her mom stayed over for a week in November. I understood. I really did.

Barring the super long texts from her mom saying she already lives paycheck to paycheck and can’t work while taking care of my roommate (and trying to guilt me into paying for some things) it was an okay time.

Taking precautions while sick is a good idea.

Then in December, my roommate had to go to the hospital again, so her mom came back and was basically there all month.

I went out of town for a birthday trip and came back super sick, but I wore a mask when I came back and didn’t leave my room unless I absolutely had to (and again, any time I was briefly out in the kitchen for food, I wore a mask, wiped down spaces, etc).

How can they be upset with her for being sick?

I was so out of it that I didn’t think to tell them before I got back, but I didn’t even know that my roommate was back in the hospital at this point, or that her mom was in town, so I was just trying to survive a long flight with sinus pressure, a fever, migraines, and chills.

This was a big issue for my roommate and her mom. They literally said that it felt like it was an “attack” on them because I came back sick (I couldn’t help that??).

Don’t even think about renewing the lease.

I probably should have thought to tell them ahead of time, but I literally wore a mask as I arrived, told her mom I wasn’t feeling well and that I’d be avoiding the common areas, and then went straight to my room.

Because of this, my roommate and I had a big conversation in the living room about all the issues we were having, if we were planning on renewing the lease for another year (it goes to month-to-month, so irrelevant), and trying to get to some resolutions.

Honestly, why would you want to renew?

She started the conversation by handing me a printed-out roommate agreement for me to sign right then and there (that only she and Chat GPT had drafted—I refused to sign it. We were supposed to work on a draft together before printing and signing).

And when I refused and the conversation turned to us not wanting to renew together, she was like, okay then when are you moving out and give me 60 days notice? Bro.

They could have been friends.

I told her that I’d had such high hopes for us to be friends because of some of the surface similarities we had.

I poured my heart out. That I wanted this to work. I genuinely thought that I’d broken through, and maybe she finally heard me.

Things are becoming even weirder.

Then the next day, she basically sent a text that said, “I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not changing my mind.” So that was fun.

Mind you, this was the same conversation that her mom was in the kitchen loudly praying in tongues and REBUKING ME anytime I said something about how her daughter’s actions made me feel (aka controlled, unheard, like my comfort didn’t matter).

This would be awkward and upsetting, for sure.

Again, we share the same faith (though very different versions), and I’m not mocking prayer, but having someone who’s not even on the lease rebuke me in my own kitchen while I’m trying to talk about legitimate roommate issues was… a lot.

There have also been ongoing issues with shared space. For months, we didn’t really have common-area furniture because we were supposed to get things together, and with her money problems, we barely got a couple of items together.

If something is in a common area, everyone should be able to use it.

Also in December, she got a couch by herself—she said that her doctor told her she needed to get one so that she’s not in her room all the time (okay). And because it’s “hers,” she controls who can use it.

I mentioned that I have a dog. He’s super cute, hypoallergenic, doesn’t shed, and a good boy.

I bought these special wipes for him that my roommate suggested, and I wipe my dog’s feet, butt, peepee area, everything after walks.

It is not uncommon to not want a dog on the couch.

He has an automatic feeder. He has a vibrating bark collar, so he doesn’t bark while I’m at work. He’s not destroying anything.

He was just existing and living there long before the couch showed up.

I’m not saying everyone has to be thrilled about a dog on their couch. I get that people have different boundaries. But the goal posts kept changing with this whole couch saga.

You have to be consistent with dogs.

At first, she said my dog could be on the couch only if one of us was sitting there. Fine.

Then she said, to tell him to get off anytime I see him on it. Fine.

Then she said he couldn’t sit directly on the couch, so could I get a blanket. Okay.

To be honest, it is not her job to watch this dog.

I got a blanket, covered the couch. Then even with the blanket, she decided she didn’t want him on the couch at all.

So one day, she sends me a text saying that she locked him in my room (away from his food and water) because she was tired of telling him to get off the couch.

She also suggested I crate him all day while I’m gone working, which felt crazy to me.

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The fruit doesn’t bother people, though.

I’m not adjusting my dog’s whole quality of life around a free couch she got off the side of the road and then decided she could use that to control my dog’s access to the living room (I pay additional rent for him too! So, like what the heck??).

Again—this is someone who got upset when I moved her fruit over in the fruit bowl. But she had no issue locking my living, breathing property inside my room away from his food/water.

So, the “don’t touch my stuff” rule only seems to apply one way. Insane!

Why would you ever purchase furniture together with a roommate? That is just asking for trouble.

She now covers the couch in plastic when my dog is around, which is fine and her prerogative, but the bigger issue is that this couch has become another way for her to decide how the shared space works.

We were supposed to get a couch together. If we had, we would have had to compromise about my dog being on it and maybe come up with a cleaning schedule for me to do or whatever.

Instead, because she got it herself, literally told me, “It’s my couch, so my rules.” And now, I can’t sit on a couch in my own living room! And she’s STILL USING MY KITCHEN STUFF through all of this!!!

Isn’t she even paying her rent on time?

In January, things got even more stressful because my roommate didn’t have money to pay rent, and we got close to an eviction situation with our landlord telling us we had 3 days to pay or else they’d move forward with the eviction.

Because again, I already have a high-stress job, so this was spinning me for a whole loop. I just paid my portion for February early to cover her portion of the rent + fees (I pay more than her because dog and bigger room).

Neither of them is doing the other one any favors.

Again, because of her situation, she hasn’t been able to work. And I don’t judge needing help, like it get it, the economy is terrible and a lot of bad life stuff is happening to her, but it’s frustrating that she literally told me that I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL that she “added me to the lease,” like it was some huge favor she did for me.

Again, she was only approved with her aunt as a cosigner, hadn’t paid a deposit yet, hadn’t even seen the place in person, and literally needed someone else to sign the lease with her so that she could afford it.

I was the one who toured it, took pictures and videos, and sent them to her because she was out of state. We both needed this arrangement. That’s how roommates work.

She just wants different rules applied to her.

Now we’re at the current issue: I have brought up to my roommate how I feel that it’s unfair how much her mom has been in our apartment these past few months, and hasn’t contributed to any of the energy bills that she is adding to.

My roommate said that she doesn’t think her mom needs to pay because I didn’t want to when my 48hr friends came over, which is ridiculous, because I told her back then that I would understand and contribute more if they were staying longer.

At this point, her mom has been in our apartment for 2 months cumulatively (not counting the weeks she was there when I was gone). My roommate conveniently said that “this is a household,” so we need to bear each other’s burdens or whatever, and I still have to pay half the bills.

Security cameras are very helpful.

Mind you, I’m currently on month 2 of a 2.5-month stint of house sitting, so I haven’t been home since April 1st or adding to any of the energy bills.

We have a Ring camera on our front door—it’s mine since I owned it before our lease started, but my roommate has had full access to the system from the very beginning. We are two women living alone in a big city, so we agreed it made sense to have a security camera.

Lots of apartments in our hallway have them too. This was not some secret surveillance situation.

She literally does ‘own’ the place just as much as they do.

Earlier this week, I found out her mom was still staying in the apartment again because I randomly saw on the camera footage that her mom was coming in the door.

I scrolled back and saw that she had been there since the middle of April, using my roommate’s key, coming and going freely with people I don’t know, possibly her aunt or other relatives.

In one clip, her mom pointed at the Ring camera and said it was proof that I think that I “own the place” because it will record when someone is passing by. Which felt like a huge misrepresentation, because again, my roommate has always had access to the system. This was as beneficial to her as it was to me.

Her roommate is definitely violating the agreement.

So, at this point, I’m feeling very unheard and disrespected. Again, trying to be understanding. I don’t know if there was a recent flare-up and that’s why my roommate’s mom is there again, but either way, no one told me that her mom and these strangers were going to be in and out of our apartment yet again, and it’s starting to feel like I have an unwanted third roommate who doesn’t pay for the energy bills.

So…this is where I may have gone wrong? I checked our lease, and it says guests can only stay 14 cumulative days in any 12-month period without written approval from management. I never agreed to an additional long-term occupant, and this was never discussed with me as a shared living arrangement. And hey, we’re both on the lease, so a violation like this would affect us both if management found out and disapproved.

There was no way to be discreet about this.

So, I emailed the leasing office to document that my roommate’s mom had exceeded the guest limit. I acknowledged that part of the stay was because of my roommate’s medical event, but I said the stay had gone far beyond that and that I never agreed to an additional long-term occupant. I also said I’d appreciate discretion because I was worried about retaliation or more tension in the apartment.

Management reached out to my roommate about the situation (and had absolutely no discretion apparently), because they knew it was me, figured out it was likely due to the ring camera, and promptly took it down/turned it off lmao. Which is kinda funny to me, because these are people who hate anyone touching their stuff.

There is no malice here.

Anyway, our landlord responded that they can’t tell her mom to leave and can only add a $100 monthly charge for the additional occupant. And now I feel like I’m losing my mind a little. Why does her mom get to live here for two+ months, and the only consequence is maybe a $100 fee that doesn’t even contribute to the bills she’s generating/I’m going halvsies on?

Now look: I don’t wish harm on my roommate. I want her to get better. I want her to be okay. I want her to succeed. That phrase “just because I don’t want you to eat at my table doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to eat” rings true here.

This would make a lot more sense.

But her having a disability does not mean I shouldn’t have a say in my own home. And it makes way more sense (to me at least) for her mom to just bring her daughter home for the time being and take care of her there.

If you’re telling me that you can’t work while you’re out here taking care of your daughter, and your daughter is not able to work, then why not take her home and care for her there until she’s better and not involve me in the stress of this situation?

Apparently, she is stuck here for a few more months.

You may be wondering why I haven’t left yet. It’s because I’m waiting for my brother to move to my city in the next couple of months so we can get a place together, and I don’t want to break a brand-new lease in the meantime.

So, for now, I’m stuck and losing my mind and tired of dealing with this headache. I’ve tried to be patient and compassionate, but I feel like every accommodation I’ve made for her is something she feels that she’s entitled to, while my own comfort and boundaries don’t matter.

Honestly, she has put up with way too much already.

I hate that I’m starting to feel so indifferent/cold toward her because that’s really not in my nature. I’m finally standing up for myself, and now I’m wondering if I went too far by involving our landlord.

So, was I wrong for reporting my disabled roommate’s mom as an unauthorized occupant to our landlord?

AITA?

This is a really horrible situation, that is for sure. At the end of the day, she just needs to move out of this apartment as soon as she can.

Let’s see what other people in the comments have to say about it.

Yup, this person is correct.

Here is someone who says she need therapy.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a home buyer who was surprised to learn his neighbors were upset about him removing a fence.

It is beyond time to just move out.

This is the only good option.

At some point, you have to cut your losses and move out. This is a horrible situation for everyone involved, so just suck it up until you can find a new place to live.

Perhaps most importantly, however, this young lady needs to stop covering for missed rent or other expenses.