She Questioned Her Friend’s Autism Diagnosis Because She Was Outgoing and Smart—Then Her Plan to Find a Different Therapist Backfired Horribly
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Having personal experience with a medical condition can make someone more understanding of what others are going through. But it doesn’t necessarily make them qualified to decide who does or doesn’t have that condition.
One 32-year-old woman is learning that distinction the hard way after questioning a friend’s possible autism diagnosis.
Marie has a younger friend, Luna, who recently stepped away from their social circle while dealing with some personal difficulties. The two haven’t spoken in several months, but Marie noticed a social media update suggesting that Luna might be autistic.
Rather than simply checking in, Marie immediately questioned whether the diagnosis could be accurate.
After all, Luna is outgoing, intelligent and seemingly comfortable in social situations. And because Marie has an autistic brother, she believes she has a pretty good understanding of what autism looks like.
So she reached out with questions about the assessment process and an offer to help Luna find a different therapist.
Unfortunately, Luna’s partner wasn’t particularly impressed.
Now Marie’s friends are distancing themselves, and she’s wondering why her supposedly helpful intentions have caused such a problem.
AITA for fakeclaiming/ telling a friend to seek the right therapy?
I’m Marie (32F), and I have a friend, Luna (29F), who’s been going through a rough patch. We haven’t really chatted in about 5-6 months.
Anyway, I found out she was diagnosed with autism. My brother is autistic, and even though I haven’t been diagnosed, I’ve always suspected I might be on the spectrum too, though I tend to focus more on my other issues (like PTSD, anxiety, and depression – but no worries, I’m in therapy and on meds with a psychiatrist!).
My first thought when I heard about Luna’s diagnosis was that it had to be a mistake.
Had to be…
Luna is really outgoing, charismatic, and incredibly smart. She just clicked with my friend group right away. That doesn’t exactly scream “autism,” does it?
Her last message to us was that she wasn’t well, and she left our friend group and basically disappeared from social media. I only found out about her diagnosis because of a recent status update that alluded to it.
So, I asked her about the process so I could look into it and help her find a “proper” therapist. I seriously love my therapy team and thought Luna would too. Since we hadn’t been in touch, I wasn’t expecting an immediate reply, but I definitely wasn’t expecting her partner to call me and totally go off on me.
Oh dear.
I tried to defend myself by mentioning my brother and how Luna never seemed to have these kinds of issues, so it just felt weird that they’d warrant an autism check over grief counseling.
Then her partner told me I barely knew Luna and was ignoring her struggles because of my own, which actually triggered a panic attack for me. I told him – and I’ve known him longer, we even used to date – but he just hung up on me.
Luna still hasn’t gotten back to me, and now I’m terrified to even ask her partner for an update.
You were just trying to help!
I talked to my friends (who also have siblings on the spectrum), but they’re not really siding with me.
They think I shouldn’t have dismissed her diagnosis, but what’s confusing is they also pointed out that she never actually said she was diagnosed, so that was a pretty crummy thing for me to do, regardless.
I have no idea if Luna is in grief counseling or not; she hasn’t been on social media. But you’d think she’d mention that before just blurting out “autism,” right? Especially since she knows my brother is autistic?
You’d think.
Luna doesn’t struggle socially, so I just don’t think she should be calling herself autistic. I, on the other hand, do struggle socially, plus my own diagnoses, and I don’t call myself that. Like I said, Luna is super smart. I think her mind is just a bit clouded right now, which is totally understandable.
I honestly don’t think I’m wrong. But my friends have been pulling away, and it’s really getting to me. I’ve even considered getting assessed myself at this point, just so I could compare our diagnoses and “verify” hers because I care about Luna so much. She needs help, but I feel like she’s either being scammed or going to take away resources that won’t actually help her.
So, AITA?
Marie may genuinely believe she’s protecting her friend from an incorrect diagnosis, but her reasoning reveals some significant misunderstandings about autism.
Being intelligent, charismatic or socially outgoing doesn’t rule out being autistic. Autism can present differently from person to person, and someone’s ability to navigate social situations doesn’t necessarily reveal the challenges they experience privately.
Having an autistic sibling may give Marie valuable personal experience, but it doesn’t qualify her to evaluate another person’s diagnosis.
There’s also the fact that Marie hasn’t spoken with Luna in five or six months and doesn’t actually know what assessments, therapy or other support she’s received. Her friends even pointed out that Luna’s social media update may not have explicitly confirmed a diagnosis.
That makes Marie’s insistence that something must be wrong particularly unfair.
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Suggesting that Luna should seek grief counseling instead also creates an unnecessary either-or situation. Someone can experience grief and be autistic. One doesn’t invalidate the other.
Most concerning is Marie’s idea of seeking her own assessment partly to compare results and somehow verify Luna’s. If Marie suspects she’s autistic, pursuing an evaluation for her own understanding could be worthwhile. But her results would say nothing about Luna’s circumstances.
Her friend’s partner may have responded harshly, but Marie’s repeated dismissal of Luna’s experiences helps explain why people are uncomfortable with her behavior.
If she wants to repair the friendship, the best approach would be to apologize without defending her assumptions, then respect Luna’s decision about whether to respond.
Supporting someone doesn’t require agreeing with every decision they make. But it does require recognizing when their medical care simply isn’t yours to evaluate.
Reddit is not very happy with OP. This person has a question…
This person says she’s not entitled to someone else’s medical info.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a daughter who feels hoodwinked after finding out the sick father she’s been supporting has plenty of money of his own.
And this person says she is simply not qualified to be the judge here.
Marie wanted to verify her friend’s diagnosis, but the only thing she’s managed to confirm is why her friends are keeping their distance.
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