Admit it…you have a secret, don’t you?

Something that you’ll never tell anyone.

Not your parents, not your siblings, not even your spouse.

Hey, don’t worry!

We all do!

And today we’re going to hear from AskReddit users who went on the record and shared the secrets they’re taking to the grave.

WHOA

Might as well get this off of my chest…

Without going into great detail (purposely vague), more than five years ago I was a part of a group of 3-5 people that would successfully take the MCAT in place of others for a fee. We were all adept at taking the exam.

Our clients were old money types with kids who could not make the cut (or didn’t want to try). The fee was $100k plus any other extra charges. Fake fingerprints, IDs, prosthetics, you name it and we did it.

I had no qualms doing this as my reasoning was “if they can’t pass the exam, how would they get through med school + STEPs? Take their money and let them fail out of med.”

No problems until one of the clients actually managed to get through school and had racked up some malpractice (thankfully nothing too serious). It hit me hard to the point of attempted suicide. I quit and went to therapy and the group disbanded (for other reasons) shortly thereafter.

I’m much doing much better now, but this info is staying with me from people that I know (and staying with you, random reader).

N**I

My dad’s a National Socialist and he regularly goes to meetings.

I was raised on Germanic folklore and the idea that I’m superior to others because I’m of German decent.

I have plenty of Jewish and Slavish friends and I just tell them my dad died when I was younger.

Blame it on the dog

My freshman year of college I was really hung over one morning and I was back at my parents house for the rest of the weekend.

I was wearing loose fitting athletic shorts with no underwear, and kind of rocking back and forth in front of the TV to feel that satisfying slap (any dude knows what I’m talking about). Well I went to fart but instead a stream of diarrhea squirted out just at the right moment and completely missed my shorts but got all over the carpet.

I went to the bathroom to grab some TP, and by the time I got back to the living room my dad was on his hands and knees cleaning it up and yelling at my dog. I’ve never had the heart to tell him it was my accident.

Anonymous “tip”

In my younger years I had a neighbor that constantly left a mess in the yard making it look like a junkyard, and they let they kids just run around messing up the entire neighborhood. I tried to sort it out civilly with them by asking them to stop doing things that pissed off everyone, but the only response I got was that I was r**ist and they would target me and say I touched their kids if I ever talked to them again.

They were grade A jerks so I decided to respond in kind and made an anonymous tip to the cops that they were selling drugs. I did this for maybe 4 months, asking my buddies to make similar tips every now and then.

Well one day I come home from school, the whole neighborhood is outside on the street and the jerk’s house had cop cars and a van outside. Turns out the tips worked and the cops finnaly checked it out… but then I see the mother and father getting led out in cuffs. Turns out when the cops showed up it was just two officers, but when they went to the door to talk to them the father took off out the back door. Long story short that made the cops chase him down, drag him back, search the house and end up finding a ton of pills, coke, and weed stashed all over the house. Since they had kids the hammer came down on the HARD for that and in the end they were both arrested for dealing and the kids were taken away.

Not sure if it was the right thing, and I will never let anyone know, but at least after that they weren’t messing up the neighborhood anymore.

Awesome

About 6 or 7 years ago I created a video together with my former boss. He was really passionate about it.

After we put it up on Youtube I commented “awesome!” with my private account from home. The next day he was really excited about this comment. Didn’t know it was me and I’m going to keep it a secret.

It is the only comment this video ever got (at least the last time I saw it).

Money maker

In gr.10 my dad made a deal with me. If I got an average of 88% he’d buy me a new laptop. Well the marks came in and I only got something like an 84-85% average. Well screw that, I want my laptop. So I went online to the regional school board’s website and downloaded a pdf template of the report card (I dont know why they would have this available). Used a pdf editor to fill in the blanks and voila, got a brand new laptop!

No regrets.

P.S. After I did this, I started selling customized fake report cards for $50 each.

It’s the thought that counts

I once took a week-long trip to London. My mother asked me to get her a small rock from there, because neither of us have ever been out of the country. So, I spend the whole trip looking for this rock, and finally find the perfect one. Fantastic, she’ll love it when I get back.

So I get home, I’m taking inventory of all of my souvenirs, and the rock is gone. I immediately think back to where I last saw it, it was on the bedside table in the hotel in london. Darn. So I quickly run outside and find a decent rock. I clean it off (we live in Georgia, freaking red clay is noticeable) and wrap it nicely.

I eventually gave it to her with the story “I got it from a castle”. It’d break her heart to know that I got it from our backyard :0

Caught

Well, I certainly hope that my grandma takes the fact that she just caught me masturbating while we are on a giant family vacation to the grave with her.

I’ve never felt so embarrassed.

What?

My parents took me to get my hearing checked when I was 12 because I wasn’t responding when they called my name.

I pretended not to hear some of the beeps in the hearing aid test room.

As a result, I wore a hearing aid for 2 years when I was 12-14 years old.

I don’t know why I did that.

Lies

I went to counseling for abuse after my parents divorced, and I was never abused so they put me in the regular room with all the people there who were waiting for their siblings.

I claimed my father abused me so I could go to the special room with all the abused kids.

It was horrible. I had no right being in that room with all those people, they all were really messed up from what their parents had done to them, and I just got in so I could play Yu Gi Oh.

A promise is a promise

When I was five years old a friend at primary school, whose name is J told me he liked a girl called A and asked me never to tell anyone.

I never have and I never will. Almost 30 years and I haven’t told anyone. Over the years I’ve thought about saying something to someone about it but I’ve never been able to bring myself to do it, just something about the innocence of that promise I guess.

He wouldn’t even care now, but 5 year old J would and I don’t want to break my promise to him.

Poo-related

My mum laughs about this all the time but I don’t tell anyone because it makes her sound insane. I was about 4 or 5 at the time and I lived in an area where everyone was a bit rich and snobby. My mum went to visit her “friend” who had two kids. One was a girl and she had this beautiful pink girl bedroom with double bed with a canopy, loads of toys and she was adored by the mum. The boy’s room had this cage like cot which he was just sitting in.

My mum loves children so didn’t like this. One day she asks me “poorelatedthrowaway do you need to go to the toilet? If you do, do it in this bag” now I thought that was a bit weird so I didn’t. Eventually we’re driving along and there’s this Tupperware container with a plastic bag with something brown in it. We get to this car park and park up, my mum takes the bag out, walks over to another car and just smears her own human waste all over the windscreen just covering the whole thing it. It was awful. Anyway she threw the bag away and we drive off.

She told me another story about when she was a late teen/young adult and a boyfriend had done something really bad to her. So she did a poo in a box, wrapped it up nicely and left it in his room as a present.

Dad’s…hobbies

My dad was a biker. He died in a motorcycle accident. He had this huge old garage/barn that he spent hours in. I was cleaning it out with my sister and we found a locked briefcase buried in a cupboard. We popped the lock and it was full of women’s clothing. Stockings, lingerie, things like that. And definitely not my mom’s size. I was pissed. He had been cheating on her.

Then I got into his AOL accounts. My mom can’t work a computer any better than she could work a spaceship, so I had to go in to shut his accounts down. There I found all of these screen names that he had made over the years. Every one of them had to do with stockings and panties. That’s when I realized that the clothing in the briefcase wasn’t a woman’s. It was his. I found tons of gay porn on his computer as well.

My sister and I swore never to tell and we got rid of all of the evidence. My mom is extremely conservative and even though I don’t agree with her point of view, I know it would kill her to find out. That briefcase is sitting in the dump now.

Heartbreak ice cream

I threw rocks at the school with one of my best mates and some other student tattled on us. Basically we both got the paddle (basically they smack your bum) and they sent a letter home to my dad. My dad received the letter and I lied to him and said I never threw the rocks. My dad bless his heart believed me and took it to our school principle and convinced him that I wouldn’t lie about such things. Since the principle wanted to rectify it for my dad’s sake, he offered me a free voucher for an ice cream as an apology.

It’s 15 years down the track now, and I still feel really bad for it. I feel like if I told my dad now it would break his heart.

Poor kid

In 5th grade I cheated on an exam. My buddy and i were the only two people in the grade who got this particular question correct, but I copied him. The worst part was he was considered ‘dumb’ while I was at the top of the class, so the teacher was convinced that he copied me and he ended up getting suspended.

Long story short, I was too scared to admit that I was the one who cheated as my parents would have murdered me if I failed the test and even worse if I got suspended.

Cash in hand

I worked for a shipping company at a customer desk.

A guy I had known came in to ship a package. He was a known drug dealer in my town. He didn’t recognize me. The package was wrapped in duct tape. I took the package, brought it out back and made it disappear into my backpack. After my shift I opened the package & found $37,890 in cash.

I never went back to the job & never heard anything about it. I left Texas a month later with cash in hand.

Monopo-lol

Me and my girlfriend were playing monopoly and she was so concentrated on the game, on the dice, on her properties. She was just so… Engrossed in the board, that I was constantly taking money out of the bank and keeping it.

I feel terrible about it because she was just so adorable trying to play the game and concentrate on trying to win. I absolutely annihilated her because I had so much money. She wasn’t a sore loser about it; when we were done playing and it was obvious I had won she just kind of sighed and we watched a movie. The whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about how absolutely adorable she looked while trying to concentrate and play. The way she looked at the money she had, and the properties she bought, like she was so proud of them. And I took advantage of that and stole money to win!

I learned that from now on winning doesn’t matter, I need to focus on having fun with her. But I will take this to the grave because if she ever finds out she’ll be enraged.

Dumpster crunch

When I worked at a convenience store, there was a huge dumpster that we were responsible for taking out back every week. It was my turn this week. This thing weighed well over a thousand pounds, but luckily it was on wheels so I just pushed the thing. I wasn’t really paying attention, and there was a slight downhill slope in the designated dumpster area. Some jerk parked their convertible in the spot, but by the time I noticed, it was too late. It rolled slowly, but the amount of force it had was incredible.

I was frantic and acting stupidly. The best I could do was try to stop it by putting myself between it, and this worked to a degree, but I wasn’t able to push it up the hill and there was nobody around to help me. So I squirmed my way out, listened to the door crunch under a thousand pounds of metal and garbage, and went back to work. Somebody had a bad day that day.

Well… those were some fascinating tales.

I’m not going to sleep tonight.