People Talk About the Weirdest Things They’ve Caught Their Kids Doing
by Matthew Gilligan
I don’t have kids but I’ve spent enough time around them to realize that they can be WEIRD.
Like, really weird.
And today we’re all going to find out that the proof is in the pudding because these parents were nice enough to share stories about their kiddos.
Let’s take a look!
That was nice of him.
“When my son was about 4 he was playing in his playroom. I was on the couch and heard some sounds behind me (it was just us).
So I turn and see my son looking up at the light fixtures and whispering. I ask what he’s doing. His response: I’m asking all the lightbulbs in the house to not fall and kill you.”
“Found my kid talking to the hole in the sink when he was 2.
Turns out that’s where he said god lives. Carry on, ya weirdo.”
“Few years ago the “cinnamon challenge” was a thing. Walked in the door to my son with his head under the kitchen faucet gulping and spitting water.
He accidentally grabbed the cumin instead of the cinnamon.”
Just the eyebrows, please.
“When my son was about 3 years old, he liked to wash his eyebrows with my facial cleanser. Just the eyebrows. Wet, lather, rinse, repeat.
He said it made them nice and soft.”
Time to go to the hospital.
“Packing peas from our garden up her nose.
This required a trip to the local hospital emergency room, where the doctor (a dad of several young children himself) thought it was hilariously funny.
Soon my wife and I were laughing as well.”
What is going on here?!?!
“My boys share a room. They were about 2 and 7 at the time and I walked in their room and found them rocking on their hands and knees singing “we aaaaaaareeeee the weeeeeeeeeeeeiner doooogs”.
I have no idea.”
Keeping the house clean.
“I woke up to my five year old spraying windex on the window beside my bed, cleaning it thoroughly, then nodding at me and moving on to cleaning the windows in the next room.
I still don’t know what the hell was happening.”
What? You don’t have one?
“My brother decided he wanted a pee hat, which is literally what it sounds like, a hat he could pee in during the night.
While already a stupid idea (since he didn’t empty it), he chose a plastic hat with hole in it.”
Your new best friend!
“When my brother-in-law was three he was so obsessed with the toilet plunger they had to buy him his own so he’d stop grabbing the used one. It was his best friend.”
He showed them what was up.
“My 5 Yr old nephew went to feed the chickens yesterday, I told him to get a hat- he came back fully naked with gumboots and a straw hat on.
Apparently the last time he went to the chicken house they pecked at his junk, and he wants to show them that it’s not big enough to eat yet??? Kids are weird.”
Who is this kid?
“Let’s see, my daughter was drinking strawberry milk and then spitting it back into the cup so she could drink it again. I had hosed off a tarp and it was drying on the patio, we went outside and she just stooped down and took a drink out of a puddle on the tarp.
Just today I was in the garage and she came out, instantly grabbed a toothbrush I use to clean car parts and stuck it in her mouth. I don’t even know anymore.”
“When my daughter was little, old ladies would come over and enthusiastically ask her simple questions. Like “what’s your name?”
And she would always reply in flat monotone “Birth-day-Cake”. Then they’d ask another question like “Oh, well, how old are you?” And she’d say “Birth-day-Cake”. They would look over at us with great concern. So annoying.”
It’s a guy thing.
“I caught my twins in first grade measuring each other’s penises with a tape measure they got to measure their heads in first grade for bike helmets.
I walk in after their baths and one is on his back with his legs I. The air. Of course my husband said, “That’s not something you do until high school!””
What are you doing, kid?!
“When my son was 3 years old, we noticed the smell of burnt plastic coming from our heater vents. I called one of our friends that worked in heating and cooling and he came over. Our furnace was in our crawl space so he went down.
About 15 minutes later, he asked me to hand him 3 black garbage bags through one of the vents so I did so. He came up later with 3 bags of plastic toys. I had wondered where all my sons toys were going.
I asked my son why he was putting toys down the vents. “he said mommy, there are alligators down there and if I don’t feed them my toys, they will eat my sister.””
These made me seriously lol.
Kids are weird, fam!