I’ve spent a lot of time onstage in my life.

Usually not giving speeches per say, though that has occasionally been the gig.

There are certain things that are important when bringing an audience onboard, and keeping them there.

Then there are the things people THINK are important, but are actually war crimes, as pointed out by TikTok user @meredithymckenzie:

“Okay, here’s my top 3 things that if a presenter starts their presentation with any of these, I already know I’m gonna hate it and probably hate them.”

“So, number one, if they say, ‘good morning, everybody! Oh, come on, we could do better than that, GOOD MORNING!’ Shut up. Just shut up, okay? Stop trying to hype me up. I already don’t want to be here. Zip it.”

“Okay, number two, if they’re having microphone issues, and then, like, they get a little feedback, and then they go, ‘you know what? I don’t even need to use this. You guys can hear me, right?’ Just use the microphone, okay? And stop thinking that being loud is, like – I just. I hate it. I hate it.”

“Number three, and this is probably universal. Anything that starts with, ‘I know we’re tired, and I know everybody just really wants to sit and listen. Okay? But if you could stand up -‘ immediately, no. Okay, I will not stand up, and I will not engage in whatever activity you’re forcing me to do. I don’t care what the research says. Don’t make us stand up and do anything. I just want to sit here and get this over with. Thank you.”

@meredithymckenzie

Teacher PD season is approaching…honorable mention for when they tell us to shut our computers #teachersoftiktok #professionaldevelopment #adhd

♬ original sound – Meredith McKenzie

The hate is well-founded.

Can we do better, Todd? CAN WE?!

Maybe YOU should do better than that.

Use their strategies against them.

While we’re at it, I’d like to add some things to the list of speech/presentation no-no’s:

• Explaining how you had to spend time thinking about how you were going to put this presentation together. We assume that part happened. We don’t need to hear about it.
• Using a polite laugh response as an excuse to continue doing bits for the next three minutes. You’ve killed it. It’s dead now.
• Literally any use of the word “synergy.”

If you liked that story, check out this one about a delivery driver who gave two weeks notice… so his employer disabled his truck when he was 300 miles from home!