Imagine moving in with your dad to help him out after your mom passes away. If you suspected that he had dementia, would you insist on having him go to a doctor to get diagnosed so he qualifies for disability, or would you work two jobs to pay for everything?

In this story, one woman is in this situation, and she finally gets her dad to agree to go to the doctor, but her uncle thinks she’s just after money, money that doesn’t exist.

Now, she’s wondering if she was cruel to her uncle.

Let’s read the whole story.

AITA for telling my uncle if he has all the answers, he can take care of my dad?

I (32F) am in a tricky situation.

My mom passed away a 5 years ago, quite unexpectedly.

I moved back in with my dad to help him with the bills and in general, as they had the “typical” marriage: mom worked but limited hours so she was home doing most of the housework. While my dad (64M) contributed financially, she was the one paying the bills, making sure stuff got done, etc.

They agreed about what they needed from each other.

Initially, when I moved in, my dad and I made a deal. He told me exactly how much he needed to get by.

I told him what responsibilities I would cover and what I need from him.

It hasn’t been a perfect set up but for the first few years, it went okay-ish.

Then his business took a turn for the worse.

Then back in 2023, my dad’s business really took a hit.

He had never billed as much as he was supposed to as it is, but he drastically cut back his hours.

He’s always struggled with remembering things. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I suspected for a while that I inherited it from him.

I tried to encourage him to get diagnosed and get help, but he pushed me off.

It might be dementia.

As the years drag on, his memory is getting worse and worse.

I now think this goes past ADHD and could potentially be Alzheimer’s or dementia, especially given his age.

He’s gone from forgetting the occasional thing to I’ll tell him something and 5 minutes later, he’s forgotten.

The most egregious example is one night, we went out to dinner. I had ordered dessert to go, so we were waiting on that. He asked me 10 times in 15 minutes why we hadn’t left yet, even though I paid the bill.

Each time I reminded him, we’re waiting on the dessert and he seemed genuinely confused.

He seems scared to see a doctor.

He’s been doing worse and worse at work, refusing to take on more jobs at certain points.

My job alone doesn’t make enough to cover all the bills.

I understand there’s more going on. I keep trying to push him to go to the doctor and get a diagnosis.

He’s resistant as he doesn’t want to lose freedoms.

She finally got through to him.

I’ve told him I understand, I sympathize. But we can’t keep living this way. I finally put it this way: he needs to go so he’s diagnosed and can potentially qualify for disability so we can pay the bills.

It took several arguments with the last one of me breaking down crying because I couldn’t pay some of the bills for him to finally agree.

He has an appointment for the end of the month.

Where the real problem begins.

She was okay with her dad’s family not helping her out…at first.

My dad’s family is around. They do the whole “if you need anything, let us know”. But if I ask them for help with my dad, they have a million excuses.

He was always great and there for them. He took care of one of his other siblings during their own health crisis. You’d think they’d show up for him but no.

But I was fine with that. He’s not their responsibility. I can handle it on my own and thankfully have my own support network of friend’s and my mom’s family has been a godsend.

But now where things get sticky is my dad tells his family that I’m nagging him, that I made this whole thing about money.

His family clearly doesn’t understand.

They turned around and started yelling at me, saying I should lay off, leave my dad alone, get a second or third job to pay the bills.

I’ve tried explaining that the money thing was a last resort and I tried to talk to him about wanting him well for him, medically. His health is most important!

But there is more to the story. It goes beyond just that.

I can’t just let him stop working and get no medical help, while I’m killing myself here. My dad struggles to get it but I also know he’s sick, so that makes sense. His family, though, isn’t.

Her uncle really doesn’t understand the situation.

It came to a head when my uncle called to ask if he could come to my dad’s appointment.

I said yes, he could come, but please let the doctor speak, let my dad and me answer questions, and please don’t make excuses.

My uncle told me I was being bossy and once again accused me of being after money.

There is no money to have. The house is literally worth less than my dad owes on it. He has no savings, no retirement. The most he has is a very small life insurance which would just pay for funeral expenses when he dies.

I’m not after anything except trying to keep things running.

She called out her uncle.

My uncle kept ragging on me, once again bringing up me getting a second job.

I finally snapped and said if he and their family have all the answers, they can take care of him. They can pay for everything, take care of him, worry about the bills. If it’s so easy, they do it.

My uncle got quiet.

I said I didn’t really expect him to, but does he see now that it’s not easy? That this is unfair to do?

My uncle just said forget it and hung up.

She’s wondering if she messed up.

Other relatives on my dad’s side are telling me that I was wrong to say all that to my uncle and dig their heels in what an ungrateful, horrible person I am.

My dad seems oblivious to the mess.

My mom’s family tells me that I’m doing the right thing.

But I am just so mentally exhausted that I have to wonder if I was a jerk to my uncle?

Her uncle is being a jerk to her. She’s right. If it’s so easy, let him pay for everything and take care of everything without complaint.

Let’s see how Reddit reacted to this story.

Here’s a recommendation not to let her uncle, or anyone else, join them at the doctor’s appointment.

This is a good idea!

A real estate broker shares their observations.

Here’s another recommendation to get her dad’s family to back off.

Don’t criticize if you’re not willing to help.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a daughter who invited herself to her parents’ 40th anniversary vacation for all the wrong reasons.