We’ve seen proof on Reddit (and in the real world) of how hard it is to successfully blend families with children. That is true, I think, whether a family of origin broke up due to death or divorce, although each scenario can present its own issues.

OP lost his mother when he was 9 and gained a stepmother and stepsister – in addition to his two younger biological siblings – two years later, at 11. His father and stepmother have had two much-younger children of their own at this point.

My mom and dad had me (17m), my sister (14f) and brother (13m) together. Mom died 8 years ago.

Dad remarried 6 years ago and it was not easy for the three of us. Dad’s wife, Rose, has a daughter who’s like 11 now.

They also have a 4 and 2 year old together.

After their father remarried, his younger siblings were still grieving their mother – and so was he. In order to help keep her memory alive, or for them to have something to remember at all, he bought a scrapbook and they started saving photos and stories and memories of their mother.

About a week after their wedding, my siblings snuck into my room in the middle of the night, sad about dad being married and the changes that had happened. They asked if I felt like mom really gone now and I said yeah.

I asked them if they’d like for us to have something just for us, no new family involved, where we could remember mom and talk about that stuff. They said yes.

So I raised the money to buy a pretty nice scrapbook and about once a month my siblings would sneak into my room at night and we’d put photos in and write memories we had and I’d share the stories I remembered of mom, since as the oldest I remembered her best and remembered the stories about her I’d heard.

We never added Rose, our stepsister or our half siblings when they were born. We also didn’t talk about it to dad or anyone else.

I knew he wouldn’t love that we were doing it. I kept it hidden in my room.

This has been going on for at least 5 years, but recently, his stepmother “accidentally” found the scrapbook.

Three weeks ago my Rose went through my stuff and found it. She claims she was cleaning up in my room but I know she was snooping because I had it hidden in a place that she wouldn’t be cleaning.

She went through it, showed my dad, and they sat my siblings and I down and told us that was a really unfair thing to have in the house and how mean it was to do something like that without all the siblings involved.

The three full siblings tried to tell their dad how they felt and why they had kept it but he was deaf to their grief and said they never should have done something so hurtful.

My brother said it was just for the three of us as real siblings. Dad told him that was a shitty attitude and what are our stepsister and half siblings if not real siblings.

My sister said it would always be different. Rose said we should never have made something in the home we all shared when it excluded three of our siblings and would hurt feelings.

She said we should have done something to bring us all together. My sister said that wasn’t what she wanted.

She and his father claim to be hurt and disappointed by the exclusion of their blended siblings, and the stepsister feels sad, too, since her mother felt the need to tell her about it.

My dad sent them out of the room and he and Rose told me I never should have gone along with it and how much it hurt my stepsister when she saw the book and heard what we’d been doing.

Rose said it hurt her too. That she tried to make us all one family and we made sure never to close that divide in the last six years. Dad told me he expected better from me.

AITA?

In an edit, OP said he’d managed to save the book from being burned but he has no faith in restoring the lost trust between himself and his father going forward.

Update: They were going to destroy the book because Rose found this post but I was able to save it. I can’t speak for my siblings but I am done with dad after this. I only have a few months left and I won’t be sticking around, won’t be trying any kind of therapy with them. I’m just done.

I’ll be grounded or something for a while but I don’t care anymore. At least it will just be me. My sister called our grandparents after everything went off and now they know. They want to try and help but I don’t see that working.

Thanks for all the comments.

Was he wrong to encourage a family book that only included their original family?

I hope Reddit has some really wise words on this one.

The top comment says there wouldn’t be an issue here at all if the stepmother had respected their boundaries and privacy.

And this person points out that pretending a birth parent never existed is not the way to blend a family.

They say this whole story is filled with ways the adults have failed all of the children involved here.

This person thinks the parents, particularly the father, are going to be dealing with the repercussions of this for years to come.

This comment says it’s weird to want to deny children the memories of their deceased mother in the first place. Real weird.

I have to agree with the last comment, particularly. That’s their mother – why should they be made to feel as if they have to hide their grief and/or memories?

This one definitely hurt my heart.