Relationships are hard work, sometimes even when they’re going well. It takes commitment from both people to keep them healthy and moving forward, and good for all parties.

If you’re looking for some advice to keep things on track, these people are sharing their favorite tidbits.

Have your own identity.

While in a relationship don’t lose yourself as an individual.

This is always important but it’s life shattering when a breakup occurs and one of the people doesn’t have their own identity.

You’re in this together.

Keep in mind that you are not fighting against your SO during conflicts.

You and your SO are up against the issue.

Water your own grass.

If the grass is greener on the other side, try watering yours.

Or: be aware that the grass only looks greener because there’s bullshit underneath.

It goes a long way.

Never take each other for granted; show appreciation often.

Please and thank you go a long way. You should treat your spouse with respect and kindness.

Get out your pompoms.

Be each other’s biggest supporter and cheerleader.

I went through a job loss during the pandemic, and it was a soul-sucking experience.

I remember standing in the garage with my husband, worrying that I’d never be able to get a job that would pay my portion of the bills and other expenses.

He told me he was sure I would, but, “whatever happens, I got your back.”

That is a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone has got your back. I hope he feels it from me, too.

A strong foundation.

Prioritize trust and build a strong foundation of it.

Honesty not cruelty.

After my sister got in a big fight with her bf, my dad told her “relationships require honesty, not cruelty.

You don’t need to tell your guy that you noticed the 10lbs he put on and now find him less attractive as a result.

He is aware and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to voice it.”

Make sure you’re on the same page.

Discuss life goals (especially kids) and financial habits before you get married. If one person wants 6 kids and the other wants to be childless that’s not going to work.

If one person has champagne tastes and spending habits but you as a couple have a boxed wine budget, then that is a problem.

More than one marriage has been ended because one spouse is bad with money and refuses to live within their means.

Active listening is key.

Practice active listening to understand each other better.

Engagement: There isn’t a movie in the background and you’re not on your phone, this is the thing you’re doing right now.

Non verbals: you’re nodding, your body posture indicates you’re listening and following along, you’re making eye contact.

Verbals: just because the other person is talking, doesn’t mean you’re not active. Say small phrases that show them you’re listening and enjoy hearing it. Like “oh wow, seriously?” Or “oh good point” or “I see.” Stuff like that.

Reflection: a lot of people are just dying for their opportunity to talk. If you reflect back to them, it let’s them know you’re hearing them and you want to know more, and it opens them up more. “That must have made you really mad” is a good reflection. “You must feel heartbroken , I would feel devastated too.” Something that labels the feelings they’re having, which they may not have done internally yet. “What happened next?” is a good door opener to let them know you still want them to talk and you’re here to listen.

Empathy: chances are someone opened up and talked about something challenging. “I’m so sorry that happened to you” can go a long way in building a connection through empathy. “Wow this is so much, I don’t even know what to say but thank you for sharing it with me I’m sure this was hard” works as well. You DON’T. NEED. TO. BE. COMING. UP. WITH. SOLUTIONS. Saying “I don’t even know what to say” is a fine response.

Just be there.

I love the quote “I don’t want you to save me, but you can hold my hand while I save myself”

Support with respect is key.

Nothing can be better than something.

Don’t look for a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Not having a romantic relationship is better than being in a bad romantic relationship.

(The phrase is usually “no x is better than bad x”, but I find that can be misunderstood more easily)

Don’t keep score.

There is no reason to keep score. You are both on the same team. If one (or both) of you starts keeping score with things it is time to evaluate the state of the relationship and why this is occurring.

On a related note, all problems can be solved, but not all problems are worth solving.

It shouldn’t be work.

That “relationships are SO HARD” or “marriage takes so much work” is terrible advice.

Relationships take effort and maintenance and mindfulness, but it shouldn’t be work. It’s a garden, not a salt mine. If literally everything is an uphill struggle all the time, you’re not compatible. Move on.

All “relationships are SO HARD, Y’ALL!” teaches people is to stay in relationships that are bad for them. Get therapy and find healthy partners. And DEFINITELY don’t have kids if your relationship is already “OMG SO HARD.”

More than half.

Similarly, you should always feel like you’re doing more than half the work. Partially because this way you know you’re not freeloading off of your partner’s work, and partially because your partner probably does a hundred things a week that you don’t see and may not even notice.

Simple stuff like wiping out the sink, dusting a surface, etc. Be a steward of your shared spaces so your partner doesn’t have to do it all on their own.

Bring your own happiness.

A partner is the cherry on top of a cake. The cake is your responsibility.

Translation: A good partner can make you happier in life but can never make you happy. It is your own responsibility too have a happy and fulfilling life.

The inverse is a little different. A bad partner can ruin your happiness. But it is your own responsibility to ( not let a bad cherry ruin your cake) not let a bad partner ruin your happiness.

Never stop dating.

Remember to laugh together and keep the romance alive.

A classic for a reason.

Communication is the key.

It took me years to figure out that pushing stuff down and then letting it blow up is not a great communication style.

And then learning to reframe things as my issues rather than my partner’s fault has helped solve things even when I’m not entirely to blame.

Not worrying about who’s right and wrong brings solutions much more quickly.

It’s worth a try, right?

When you’re in the trenches, you’ve gotta be willing to do anything.