I don’t think that most people get into committed relationships thinking that one day they’ll cheat on that person – though maybe some do.

Most people fall into the trap for one reason or another, and if you’re curious what makes people stumble, these people are willing to confess.

In the end…

I was selfish, I can think of a hundred reasons why I did, but in the end I was just selfish. I do not have many regrets in my life but that one will stay with me forever.

A life lesson learned the hard way.

It’s not the same thing.

Because I was a d**khead who thought s*x was the same as affection.

There are reasons for that but I’m not going to make excuses.

That said, I’ve been faithful for 25 years.

You can’t take it back.

It was decision I made, selfishly, getting caught up in the heat of things and not taking someone I loved into consideration when I did it. Just outright generally being an asshole all around, something I’ve thought about over the years and deeply regretted.

Once you really hurt someone like that, it truly sticks in your mind and you never forget it.

You can’t take it back ya know? You can only make sure you never make such a terrible action again.

Don’t be a coward.

Young and dumb, not really ready to commit and to much of a coward to break it off.

The other guy.

I was the other guy. A woman I’d known for a couple of years was becoming increasingly disillusioned with her husband, he was drinking too much and getting more and more emotionally and verbally abusive, we had a 2 month fling because she wanted to feel valued again.

She dumped me and told me she was going to make a proper go of her marriage, she gave him 6 months to quit drinking or she was going to kick him out, he just got worse, the final straw was when he drunkenly dragged their eldest kid out of bed at 2am to berate him about the state of his bedroom.

She kicked him out. A week later we hooked up again. 22 years and 2 grown up children later our fling is going quite well.

A triangle of emotional damage.

I walked in on her with a co-worker, so I revenge cheated with someone close to her. It created a triangle of emotional damage.

But I learned how to process the bad stuff in a healthier way once the dust settled from the three of us destroying each other.

No hesitation.

My ex-wife was incredibly abusive and controlling, and she used violence and the police to keep me from leaving her.

Women around me started to sympathize and approach me, and I was so starved for affection that I didn’t even hesitate.

Hopefully you’ll grow.

Because I’m an idiot.

A nightmare human.

Reason given was, ‘one last fling before the ring’.

We all start somewhere.

Because I didn’t have the emotional intelligence to end it like a considerate human being.

Red flags galore.

Bartender here, and I have had this conversation with SOOOOO many cheaters. What I can tell you, is people who cheat in relationships, often have other “cheat type” issues. Often trying to make a fast buck by screwing others over financially, gambling issues, or other dramatic/toxic maneuvers. They often can have a Need to compete, or out-do the people they are closest with. They often are terrified of the other spouse cheating on them first. They often present sizable egos, but are secretly terrified of being judged by others. (not your problem).

People almost never cheat up, but almost always cheat down. If they are with a clever, responsible, organized spouse, they cheat with a dumb irresponsible hot mess. If they are married to a textbook perfect skinny churchgoing Barbie doll, they often cheat with a curvy, thick dark mouthy girl with tattoos(Not that there is anything wrong with that Type). But they are going for the opposite of what they married and present publicly.

I can tell you, if they never have cheated, they are less likely to cheat when the opportunity presents itself…but once they do cheat, it gets easier every time. If they cheated once, they will be more likely to cheat again.

The people getting cheated on…it’s never their fault. They couldn’t have done anything better than they already did. I see amazing people get cheated on, it truly has nothing to do with them. It’s the cheaters own issues, that determine if they cheat, nobody else’s.

People often cheat to feel powerful, in a world where they feel powerless. People often cheat because of mommy/daddy issues. Military guys are often encouraged to cheat by their buddies, because those guys don’t want to be the only guys cheating, or to be ratted out. If everyone cheats, then they can pretend they are not the asshole because everyone is doing it.

If your person cheats on you, don’t leave them for the act, leave them because they are selfish, and they Chose the act over the importance of you, and your family…and that level of stupidity is a real red flag Of things to come.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

But there is one thing even more toxic you must run from. The person who never cheated, but said they did…to hurt you.

In my years of bartending, several SEVERAL women came to confront me about my affair with their husband THAT NEVER HAPPENED. No, these women were not trying to trick me, or being paranoid. I confronted the men, and they had told their wives they were sleeping with me. Men also tried hitting on me, and I ignored it, and they told all their buddies they slept with me, or could have slept with me and didn’t. These kind of rumors could have ruined MY very healthy relationships, and I’m lucky my partner’s knew better. This weird toxic s**t of pretending to cheat should be the biggest red flag Of when to run from a relationship.

A laundry list.

I had no morality or ethics. Lots of insecurities.

Lacked emotional control.

A whole bullet dodged.

My ex wanted a good house, regular outings and extravaganza shopping for jewellery and clothes. I switched to a new company and got a better job. I believed in keeping her happy financially as well. Worked my a$$ off, even on weekends.

Cheated on me with her bf from before marriage 6 months into the marriage. Caught them red handed.

Her father, “What did you expect if you are unavailable?” 🤷🏻‍♂️

Growth is possible.

Exactly this for me. I used to be a serial cheater.

I know everyone thinks, ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ but I’ve worked those issues out and have no desire to be that person anymore.

A daring escape.

For context, I am a woman now in my thirties. It was my first relationship. She manipulated me into dating her even though I am straight (I was a teen and in a bad place mentally). She was physically and mentally abusive, and I felt like I could not leave her.

6 years later I figured that if I cheated then she would finally allow us to break up (and also I was just desperate and selfish and wanted to have s*x with a guy, which I had never done before). It’s the only time I’ve ever cheated, and I’m not proud of it, but it did work.

She still didn’t want to let me go, but after spending time with someone else, I felt strangely empowered and was able to leave.

Therapy for everyone.

I cheated on pretty much every girl that I had been with, not all, but most.

When my last GF found out, I could see how much it broke her and I just didn’t want to be that guy anymore.

So I had to make a decision, and that decision was to be a better person overall. Lots of therapy and self reflection.

It helped that the next girl I met made me want to be a better BF. I’ve now been with that girl/ my now wife now for almost 18 years and have no desire to be that guy again.

A negative feedback loop.

Little things other people saw in me that My SO didn’t.

Instead of recognizing the dozens of other things SO saw in me and being happy with that I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

Of course this created a negative feedback loop and the fallout was enormously painful, which I deserved plus some. I never got caught, not sure what she suspected.

But, the secrets, the neglect, the deceit, etc. eroded a pretty strong bond. -100/10 do not recommend.

I mean understanding is key to stopping a behavior.

If that’s something you’re interested in.