There are definite downsides to being with other human beings in public, but one of the upsides (for most of us) is the chance to eavesdrop.

If you leave your headphones out (or off), you can really hear some juicy gossip – something these folks learned firsthand while traveling on planes.

I just want to sleep.

On a charter flight from Goa to the UK

“He’s taking Ecstasy, and he has a knife in his bag,” said an old couple to the stewardess, referring to me.

I said, “I don’t have a knife, I’m taking valium. I just want to go to sleep”

Stewardess believed me & moved the couple.

That’s confidence.

The lady beside me told me that she was farting a lot, and she didn’t care about telling me because she wouldn’t see me again.

Varying levels of anxiety.

Pilot accidentally left the intercom switch on. The whole plane heard him say “Ooo. That’s weird”.

Nothing else.

Plane took off amid varying levels of anxiety throughout the cabin.

I’m here to tell the tale today, so thankfully it wasn’t too weird!

If only.

A 5 year old boy once said “Dad, can you ask them to pull over so I can go to the toilet?”. Haha

The irony.

I sat in front of a kid (12-13) and his older sister, who I assume was his guardian. It was a cross-country flight, and the kid was casually talking about how he had never flown before and he is looking forward to it. He seemed likely on the spectrum a bit. It is pretty wholesome so far.

Then the plane starts to move and he instantly freaks all the way out, screaming, “WE ARE ALL GOING TO F**KING DIE!!! Let me off this plane, it’s a f**king coffin, you’re all going to die. It’s going to be a f**king fireball.” Etc.

The stewardess comes by and tries to calm him down. The sister is talking to him in English and Spanish, trying to get him to relax, telling him he is embarrassing her, she’s never taking him to Puerto Rico if he keeps acting like this, etc.

The guy in front of me turns around and loudly offers the kid Xanax. Finally, the hero of the story, a big Southern black lady says, “James (not his name) honey I’m gonna need you to calm down sweetie ’cause you’re making all the rest of us real nervous now, ok?”

Eventually, and for no noticeable reason the kid relaxes and starts talking about how cool flying is. Like a switch, he starts looking out the window, saying things like, “Wow! The view is really cool! I feel safe now, everything is OK after all.” Audible collective sigh of relief.

Where was his sister flying him to? Astronaut camp. I think about him every time I fly.

Some people are quick!

There was this kid was behind me that kept telling her dad she lost her tooth and the dad was disgruntledly trying to find it, and some guy nearby said “hey kid, I hear if you lose your tooth on a plane, the tooth fairy gives you 50 bucks” to which the dad replied, “hey look sweetie, the tooth fairy decided to sit next to us on the plane!”

Oh the drama!

A guy coming home early to bust a cheating wife. He was on the phone with a friend/family who told him the other guy was at his house and they didn’t expect him back until the next week.

Pure panic.

Everyone is boarded and the plane is in the middle of the taxi when a kid about 10 seats up and on the left side (I was on right side) starts crying and screaming at the top of his lungs “I NEED TO POOP” and “I’M GOING TO POOP” over and over again until the seatbelt signs came off.

I’ve never seen so many worried faces and the look of panic as the mother picked up the kid and bolted to the toilet.

Well actually…

Two older guys in my row on the way to an academic conference.

One of them mentions that the first thing he is doing is attending lecture on some esoteric physics topic, but before he can even finish the name of the topic, guy #2 says “oh, of course: The Effects of co-limited tesseracts on quantum membrane string interactions (or some such physics jargon.) Are you familiar with the topic?”

Guy #1 gets half way through saying “well actually I-” before he is cut off by guy #2 who says “Because, you see, most people, even in the field are woefully undereducated in this particular subject…” and then proceeds to talk guy #1’s head off for about ten minutes. Guy #1 just nots and smiles patiently through the whole exchange.

At the end of his missive, guy #2 says “So, the lecture is being given by Dr. So-and-So, one of the leaders in the field, and absolute legend. Do you know his work?” And, of course, guy #1 puts on a very kind but somewhat sheepish look and says “Actually, I am Professor So-and-So: your understanding of the field is actually quite good!”

Guy #2 turns red as a tomato for a few seconds but seemed to get over it quickly and they spent the rest of the flight casually talking shop about theoretical physics.

The best ever.

I am a pilot for a major airline.

Decades ago I was running for a deadhead flight home and managed to snag the last seat.

A mother and young daughter were seated next to me. Halfway through the flight the mother, seeing my disheveled look after flying all day, asked if I wanted her daughters PB&J sandwich that she wasn’t going to eat.

I politely declined, but she insisted. That was the best Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich I’d ever had!

I would not be okay.

not something I overheard but a friend was telling me he was on the flight between Stockholm/Thailand (either from/to) and there were two old guys openly talking/bragging about all the shit they had done with young boys whilst in Thailand.

Sometimes you break the rules.

Not that “crazy” as such but when literally about to touchdown, a lady got up and started walking urgently towards the bathroom.

The cabin crew immediately started saying “Madam! We’re about to land! You have to sit down!”

The lady responded by screaming in a panic “I’M GONNA S*%T ME-SELF!!!”

They allowed her to continue

I have questions.

I overheard a passenger passionately arguing with their seatmate about the correct way to eat a slice of pizza with chopsticks.

Hello, therapy.

I was sitting next to a father with his small child.

The child wouldn’t stop hopping around, until the father said “sit still and be a good boy or the plane will crash because of you and we will end up dying.”

Never seen a kid so quiet before.

Sick burn.

I was sat next to a teenage boy and his dad.

The kid was telling his dad how much he loved the song “sexual healing” by Marvin Gaye, when the kid was finally done talking the dad just looked at him and said “you’re a virgin”

Like a horror movie.

I was flying alone and this little girl (maybe 5) wandered down the aisle and said hello.

I asked where her parents were and she said they died and a police officer was flying with her to take her to her aunt. My brain was not able to conjure any response at all apart from ” errr…. sorry” she asked if she could look out my window so I moved over to the aisle seat and let her, me continuously looking for a cop that she might be travelling with.

She then told me how her parents were driving back from a party last week and their car got pushed off the road by a truck into a tree. She was quietly crying while telling me this story. Suddenly I hear “oh there you are” from the aisle. There’s a woman standing there.

The girl says “hello mommy” and leaves with her.

I…don’t even know what to say.

But I’m definitely not sorry I read these. Ha!