When you marry into a good family – meaning kind, supportive, accepting – the effect can be life-changing, bringing ever-more love and happiness into your life.

In other families though, things can be a little different, with stress and added responsibilities all by-products of some family structures.

And if you’re marrying someone you care about, you may not have a full understanding of how their family could impact your life until much later down the line.

This was certainly the case for the guy in this story, who found out too late that marriage seemingly obliged him to help out on the family farm during every off-moment of his life.

Read on to find out how he handled it.

AITA for not helping on the in-laws’ farm?

My wife and I have been married for four years now and have a good relationship.

Around the time that we got married her two brothers went in together on a cattle farm that butts up against my mother-in-law and father-in-law’s property.

According to my wife they didn’t want to keep the cattle, but my father-in-law wanted to keep them, so they did.

Let’s see how this family farm is affecting this man’s life.

My gripe is that it’s seemingly more times than not that, on my day off work or on weekends, I’m asked to help do something on the farm with the cattle or help fencing after a storm blows through, etc.

Most times it’s my father-in-law asking my wife about me helping.

And there’s been plenty of times I will wake up on a Saturday morning off work to a text from my father-in-law asking “what are you doing?” or “what are you doing today?” Usually this translates into “I need help on the farm,” which is annoying to me.

Sometimes my wife will talk to him on the phone and say things like “husband and I are around and available to help with whatever you need,” like I was even given a choice.

And his annoyance gradually encompassing the whole family.

My take on this is that my two brothers in law bought this farm together, and my father-in-law wanted the cattle.

This was always going to involve a lot of work, and both of my brothers in law are busy in life right now. One works hefty hours (as do I) and the other one is busy running his wife and kids to their baseball games.

So naturally I seem to be the one who gets asked for help because they are busy.

My thing is they bought a farm so to me that means you take on the responsibilities because you are the owners and wanted it.

This attitude is beginning to cause problems in his otherwise healthy marriage.

I didn’t join this family to work on a “family farm.” It’s not my farm, not my responsibility.

However, my wife tells me that it’s just what family does. We help.

I don’t see it that way. She almost takes it to the extreme and is willing to drop everything to go deal with something on the farm (which really that I go to deal with it) at the drop of the hat because my father-in-law mentioned something he’s doing that day there.

And it’s really beginning to frustrate him.

I don’t mind helping people but it’s all the time my wife and father-in-law are wanting me to help do this or do that.

I feel like I can’t do what I want to do, or make a plan or do nothing at all, without upsetting my wife or disappointing my father-in-law.

All this said, my father-in-law and wife don’t exactly force me to do these things – and my father-in-law will say it’s okay on the times I do turn him down – but my wife is most definitely hurt if I don’t want to do it or say no.

AITA?

It’s one thing helping family out every once in a while, but being practically obliged to help out during every free moment is a little much.

It’s clear that the family are struggling to handle the cattle farm, so it seems like it would be fairer on everyone to either employ help or let it go.

Let’s see what folks on Reddit thought about this.

Most Redditors agreed that the farm was not this guy’s responsibility.

And this person explained the importance of boundaries with family, from experience.

While others explained some clear boundaries he could put into place.

Sure it’s nice to be nice, but when it’s impeding on his own mental wellbeing and ability to take time off, this is going too far.

This guy works long hours, so being guilted into helping out on the farm on the basis of family ties is unfair and inevitably going to lead him down a deep path of burnout.

His in-laws need to assess their ability to take care of the farm long-term without his help.

It’s not fair on him.

If you liked that story, check out this post about a group of employees who got together and why working from home was a good financial decision.