Marriage is a serious business, and very few people enter into this supposedly lifelong union lightly. However, it’s no secret that people change over the course of their lives, and this is absolutely the case within marriages too. We are constantly changing, and a strong marriage will evolve alongside these changes, with the love between two people growing deeper as they change with time.

But what happens when the changes you are facing – ageing, getting sick, becoming a parent perhaps – make it clear to you that, despite what you may have thought in the past, your spouse is not the person for you? Maybe they’ve changed in a way that you really don’t like, or perhaps your new circumstances have enabled you to turn a fresh eye to the person who you’ve pledged your life to?

Sometimes, couple’s therapy and a whole lot of hard work and dedication can help you to build back and become the happy couple you once were, and would love to be again. If both partners are committed, anything is possible. But if, like the woman in this story, new revelations have shed light on the toxic person your spouse is, no matter how difficult it may be, divorce might be the only way that you can finally put your own interests first.

Read on to find out what happened in this couple’s marriage to drive her to divorcing him.

AITA for wanting separation and co-parenting instead of working on my marriage?

My husband and I been having non stop arguments for a long time. I’ve tried disengaging and grey rocking but that didn’t help.

He swings between love bombing and being around all the time, to yelling and raging at me.

I agreed to couples counselling with the goal of having a better coparenting arrangement.

He told the counsellor he still wants the marriage to work out. We had some proper organized discussions, so that was useful.

Let’s see how their counsellor tried to help.

We were both asked to lay out our resentments. Mine was his years long affair. I don’t think anything beyond that needs to be said.

But of course, there’s the neglect, the lack of help, the absence from home, and that I have to pay for our son’s daycare without any contribution from him.

His list of resentments were a doozy. He says that I ruined his experience of becoming a father because I was difficult and neurotic. My painful pregnancy and medical complications were unnecessary drama to him.

When we agreed that I’d be a stay at home mom until our son started school, he was envisioning a picture perfect home with a beautiful wife and child who cater to him. He’s upset the reality was nothing like that and is convinced that I tricked him.

Yikes! Still, somehow, she finds a way to have a little bit of sympathy for him.

He’s a selfish idiot, but he was also encouraged and enabled by people around him who talked this up, including my parents.

I’ve always known that my parents didn’t love me much but I have come to realize that they resent me and look down on me.

The first year of our son’s life, he was a bit sickly (preemie and had acid reflux), so was clingy to me. He resents me for that too.

Now that son’s a healthy toddler that can run around and throw ball, he’s more interested in engaging with him.

And all of this has really been getting to her, with the counselling wounding her further.

The whole thing was a pretty painful exercise for me. I restarted my own individual therapy.

I had made myself numb to his actions (I grew up that way, thanks to my neglectful parents) and was ignoring issues to focus on my son, but my husband did a good job of opening up all the scabs. I learned a lot more than I wanted to about his affair partner too.

Now that I am physically recovered, I’ve lost a lot of weight (ironically from stress) and look well put together, I am good enough to be his partner again.

Anyway, I’ve filed for divorce. I think it’ll take a year and then some for it to go through. I’ll stay here and not move out until we sell the house and divide assets.

It really sucks that this woman has gone through so much in her life – including neglectful parents and an emotionally abusive partner – and still she’s having to suffer through his hot-and-cold relationship.

The very fact that he thinks he can just pick her up again now that she’s lost weight, and that she will simply forgive him for cheating on her and for his unhealthy expectations really does show the nasty piece of work that he is.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman’s family who is trying to stop her from moving away for her husband’s job.

Let’s see how folks on Reddit reacted to this story.

This person was appalled by the husband’s unfair grievances towards a wife who was trying her best.

While others congratulated her on filing for divorce.

Meanwhile, this Redditor gave her some important advice.

It’s a sorry tale that is all too familiar. Abused child becomes abused partner – because until you have the knowledge that your parents didn’t raise you in a nurturing and compassionate way, neglect and emotional abuse (or whatever brand of horrible behaviour your parents chose) feels normal. As a result, those abused people – who never even realised they were abused to begin with – end up with similar characters, because their behaviour feels comfortable, predictable, and what they are used to.

Sure it’s difficult for those who haven’t experienced lifelong neglect and trauma to understand, but this pattern is not the abused person’s fault. It’s simply how they’ve grown up, and they know no different. So why wouldn’t they gravitate towards people who feel similar – because anything else feels weird and uncomfortable, until they’ve had the restorative and healing experiences of therapy at least.

Somehow, it seems that narcissists and abusive people like this woman’s husband have some sort of a radar for these people – people who have been so neglected that they will always put their partner first, above everything and everyone else, especially their own needs. And when there are people around who feed into this, like the woman’s parents, it’s a recipe for lifelong pain and struggles. Unless of course, you identify that something is wrong and seek professional help. It’s hard to do, but this woman has done so – and seeking out therapy and divorce might just be the strongest thing she’s ever done, and certainly is the first step to a better life for her and her son. Kudos to her.