Everyone wants to talk about relationship “red” flags – you know, those things you want to avoid when looking for a healthy, long-term relationship.

What about the things you should want to see when first dating someone new? Those are important too, though perhaps a bit harder to define.

If you’re wondering what should be a green light, these people have some really clever ideas!

You can laugh about it.

Able to forgive mistakes. Early in our relationship I accidentally backed my car into my Fiance’s car while coming out of the driveway. I definitely did damage. I immediately started freaking out and crying and he just calmly got out of his car, came up to mine and asked if I was okay.

He got me to calm down and said it was fine it was just an accident. He never made me feel bad about it. He called it our little bump to my friends to minimize my embarrassment.

We laugh about it to this day. (Sidenote his dad who works with cars fixed his car for him at no cost)

Emotional maturity.

Willingness to forgive you when you make a mistake/speak in anger/etc rather than hold a grudge or try to punish you. (Doesn’t mean they won’t be still be upset of course.)

Willingness to admit fault and take responsibility when they make a mistake/speak in anger/etc and work on their own negative behaviors. Related: taking you seriously when something upsets you even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal from their perspective.

Not losing their temper when things don’t go their way. Example: do you want to be with someone who blows up when the car breaks down on a road trip and makes everyone else miserable or the person who calmly calls the repair service and tries to make the best of it?

Not making personal attacks during arguments. Focusing more on how they are feeling and fixing the problem at hand, and then reconciling afterward, rather than lashing out with a list of perceived character flaws. Example: “I feel disrespected when…” rather than “You’re such a disrespectful [expletive of choice]!”

Genuine care for you and others; a lack of self-centeredness. Being open to hear the perspectives of others, even when they don’t agree. An understanding that they are not the center of the universe, they are not always right, and there is always something to learn.

In short: emotional maturity.

Simple gestures of kindness.

When you’re on a road trip and your partner feeds you fries and helps you drink your soda or whatever. I think that’s such a nice simple gesture of kindness.

They should bring out the best in you.

When you like the person that you become when you’re with them. Everyone projects a different version of themselves around different people and if you don’t like who you become when you’re with someone, it’s probably not going to be the healthiest relationship.

Your SO should bring out the best in you.

Two things, really.

I feel like there’s a lot of detailed examples that largely boil down to two things: empathy and emotional maturity.

Not cringe.

The ability to co exist in very companionable silence.

A friend of mine once said “When silence is not cringe, the friendship is real.”

They’re on your side.

My ex would tease me a lot and would tease me in front of his family. He would say things like “Oh she changed her outfit 3 times because she thought you guys would judge her.” Or “She didn’t really want to come over but I convinced her.” He would be laughing and joking but these things would be the truth!

When I was going to meet my current boyfriend’s family I was really nervous! In the car I said “Please don’t tell them how nervous I am, it’s so embarrassing!” He looked at me in shock and said “I’m on YOUR side! Why would I tell them that?”

And it was like a freaking lightbulb! Love this guy 🙂

Less of a pain.

If it’s a chore you both hate, you do it together. My late husband and I both HATED folding laundry, but it had to be done. So we always did it together.

Made the chore less of a pain.

Genuine support.

Genuine support in your life goals, even if that means you two will have to go long distance for a while or will have to have conflicting work schedule or it will make your relationship harder in some way. If they love you and want you to be happy, they will be genuinely interested in what you want to do and will try to support you to do that in whatever way they can. They won’t hold you back in anyway.

This is something me and my SO have been facing something similar to this recently, he’s just graduated and is looking for a job. As much as I want him to stay close by so we don’t have to do long distance for any more time than we have to (I’m going home for the summer). But if he gets a job the other side of the country I won’t stop him and as long as I’m around I’ll help him pack up.

That one’s a keeper.

It’s a pretty convoluted story, but I was dating a guy, had to drive his car to get him from a situation, and wrecked his car due to mechanical failure, and called my mama to come get me so we could go get him.

“Rescued” him. Then had to tell him I’d wrecked his car.

His first question: “Are you okay?”

My mom overheard. “That one’s a keeper.”

They listen.

When your SO takes criticism from you seriously without immediately trying to turn it back on you.

If the converse is also true, you two stand a great chance of going the distance.

You just feel it.

I’ve told this story before, but a week or two into dating my boyfriend, I was driving to work and one of the wheels fell off my car on the highway. I pulled over to the side of the road and called my boss and a tow truck, and then texted my new beau just for comfort.

He asked where on the highway I was and said he’d be right there, without hesitating.

When he showed up and ran across the busy highway and scooped me up into a hug, I felt so loved and safe and thought “oh shit, this could be ‘the one’.”

A huge difference.

During the beginning of our relationship, whenever my partner and I would argue, he would try to hold my hand, rub my arm, or hug me as we talked. When I’m wound up, I feel like I need space to think, like physical space, so I would always push him away.

We’d always get to a point in our arguments where he would just shut down or walk out of the apartment, and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought that he just didn’t care enough to talk these things out with me.

Finally I learned that physical touch is a big part of his love language, and that was what he needed during/after our fights to feel emotionally connected with me.

Since then, when one of us gets upset, we hold hands and talk things out. It’s a weird small thing that’s made a huge difference in our relationship.

They don’t fight dirty.

No matter how angry you are at one another. You will still go out of your way or they go out of their way to help. I’ll be wicked pissed, but I’ll angrily make my wife her favorite dinner even though I don’t want to eat.

No matter how angry we are at one another (usually only last a short period of time) we will never sabotage or try to teach them a lesson. Many times, it ends up being both apologizing to one another.

Arguing and getting angry is just part of a relationship and unavoidable. It is how you deal with it that’s sets it apart from a healthy relationship versus a bad one.

A short list.

honesty

genuine interest in each other’s hobbies (don’t have to do them, but at least support it)

strong communication

you feel like you’re hanging out with your best friend…except you wanna smash.

They think of you.

Came home from working a 12 hour shift one night to a full dinner with my favorite dessert. Never had a girlfriend just decide to cook me a full meal for me to come home to like that.

Healthy conflict.

Being able to have healthy conflict without fear that conflict will cause the end of the relationship. It’s green flag (and a relief) to have natural disagreements and communication about those disagreements without constant fear that someone’s going to hit the nuclear option.

These are so wholesome and I love it.

Here’s hoping everyone meets people who are full of these in the days and weeks to come!