People who have a lot of friends can often be heard saying they “know a guy” for pretty much every want and need that crops up – but have you ever wondered what it would be like to be on the other end of the line?

These folks have been there – or have imagined they might be – and here’s the reason they would be getting the call.

It generally works out.

Sadly probably for tax advice. I’m an accountant but I’m not a tax accountant.

But I am pretty handy with google and the IRS website so it still generally works out.

Let’s be friends.

I work on a farm and can access ungodly amounts of fresh fruit

A true king.

I have a pickup truck and I’m happy to help people move stuff with it

One or the other.

“Hey zerbey, can you confirm this obscure fact about English history?”

It’s either that, or they’re calling me for IT support.

The history ones are more fun.

We all wish we knew this guy.

The “I know a guy” call came in late spring last year.

My good friends’ had bought a house and hired a contractor to renovate it, the guy got 70% of the way through and then just ghosted.

I was living 1,000 miles away and my friend called me on the verge of tears asking “What the f**k do we do?.”

I ended up working on the place for nine weeks (60+ hours a week) to get it finished at a steep discount.

It looks great, and I’m not mad about it because I love them, and now I guaranteed have a place to go if WWIII breaks out.

So many “friends.”

I’m a lawyer….I get that call 5 times a day…..

Rice, Rice Baby

My friend has a “I know a guy story”:

My friend does MMA for fun, and they were about to move and they wanted to do a party. Their instructor/coach asks what type of food, and my friend responds: japanese.

The coach just says, I know a guy, I’ll give him your number.

The next day my friend gets a call and they pick up. What does the other person say? “hello, I hear you were looking for Vanilla Rice, I’m at your service”

He Is a hibachi cook who goes to your house and makes the food there. His name he used was Vanilla Rice. He is white.

RIP Granny.

I was a tech genius to my grandma before she passed.

Everyone needs him sometime.

I work on garage doors. Seems like a mundane job but your garage door is something you never think about until catastrophic failure

Mary Poppins.

It’s been a running joke at several of my jobs that if you need a random thing, i probably have it in my bag.

I generally carry a bike messenger bag with all the functional things. Tools? Sewing kit? First aid? Snacks? Tape? Things to distract your kids? I got you.

Nope, not him.

Definitely not forgery.

I’ve never forged a downtown parking pass, report card, bank statements, school ID, passport, event staff ID or coupon/barcode in my life.

Iffy insurance coverage.

You need complex surgery and insurance claims they won’t cover it? I’m your gal.

I’ve had an autoimmune condition since childhood. Last year, I had to have major reconstructive surgery for a complication so rare there less than 200 documented cases of it worldwide. Normally, insurance doesn’t cover the surgery, nor the pre-operative and post-operative orthodontic treatment needed as part of the surgery. Total cost of the whole process typically runs into the six figures, and that’s WITH insurance coverage.

I fought tooth and nail and researched HUNDREDS of pages of insurance documentation, got second and third opinions, etc. Managed to get insurance to cover everything — the braces, the surgery, week in the hospital, etc. Only thing I ended up having to pay was a $60 co-pay.

Obligatory American healthcare sucks, but for anyone facing complex surgery where insurance coverage is iffy, I’m your gal.

A not-so-short list.

I have the tools. Dump trailer, ladders, scaffolding, lift gate truck, all kinds of hand tools and power tools.

I have the skills. I know how to do all kinds of house repairs.

I know how to move heavy things.

I know how to quote the value of many types of vintage items.

I likely have a place open where you can store something or you can live for a short time.

What I wouldn’t give.

I am unusually good at selecting really thoughtful gifts with minimal information about the recipient.

You should be, though.

I have pretty intimate knowledge of nearly every out of the way hiking trail system in our state. I’m talking the ones no one ever goes to, that are often times not even catalogued on maps or trail finders.

I’m extremely familiar with their locations, lengths, difficulty levels, and amount of traffic they might see.

I’d be the one they’d call if they’ve a body to hide. And I’m not proud of that.

Obscure facts guy.

My brother called me the other day to settle a dispute with his wife. He wanted to know how fountains in ancient Rome worked.

Apparently I’m the ancient Roman fountain guy

Edit for people asking:

I’m not an expert on ancient Roman fountains. His wife suggested gravity, whereas he was thinking the fountains somehow recirculated water with a pump. I think this would be a very bad idea since people probably bathed and washed their clothes in fountain, and a constant supply of fresh water would be really important (and gravity is free and always works). Romans are famous for their aqueducts and plumbing. This is still how it works as far as I know

But once again, I am not an expert on this. This won’t stop my brother from asking me things like this or other things like how dogs know they are supposed to like bones

Apparently I’m the dog psychology guy

Probably that.

I’m getting my PhD in math, so probably for hiking/camping spots.

If you know you know.

Bird identification. Happens weirdly often.

I wanna be a “guy.”

I guess first I’m going to have to get some skills.