They Set Their Sights on an Upscale Assisted Living Neighborhood. The Only Way They Can Afford It Is if Their Only Child Foots Part of the Bill
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As children get older, so do their parents, which means difficult decisions about where the parents live and how to care for them often falls on the adult children’s shoulders.
If your parents wanted to live in a luxury assisted living neighborhood, would you be willing to help them pay for it if you could afford to do so, or would you insist that they need to consider less expensive options?
In this story, one man is grappling with this decision. He’s torn between helping his parents or telling them they need to find something they can afford.
What should he do? Let’s read the whole story to decide.
AITA for refusing to subsidize my parents’ $11k/month senior’s home in one of the fanciest neighborhoods in the city?
I (34M, physician) am an only child.
My parents are in their late 60s with serious health issues.
My mom has a slow-growing cancer, and my dad has Alzheimer’s (currently mild, still driving and managing day-to-day).
In terms of outlook, we are looking at about 5 years for my mom and 12 years for my dad.
They’re looking into assisted living.
Right now they are doing okay at home with frozen meals and some cleaning help, but they have said they want to move into a senior residence in about a year.
They have fixated on a specific home in Kerrisdale, Vancouver which is one of the more affluent neighbourhoods in the city, if not in all of Canada.
It is about $11,000 CAD per month for a 1bdrm, and that is just independent living, meaning meals, activities, and light housekeeping.
Any actual care like personal support or medication management would be extra. And assisted living or long-term care in the complex would be 2x or 3x as much.
His parents can’t afford to live there without his help.
Financially, they have about CAD $8,000 per month in pre-tax income, and around CAD $800,000 in assets (they don’t own a home). So they are not broke and have meaningful resources, but realistically they can’t afford this place long term, especially once they need higher levels of care.
The implied expectation is that I would step in and help cover things after they run out of money.
I could technically afford to help. But this is a potentially decade plus commitment with escalating costs over time. And it would affect my ability to make major life decisions such as where I live, career flexibility, and relationships.
He has other concerns.
I have suggested more sustainable options that are still good quality, just not ultra premium, but those get dismissed as not good enough.
My mom has always been very hard to please. Even when things are objectively good, she tends to focus on what is wrong.
So I worry that even if I do help fund this, it will not actually make her happy, and I will still be taking on a major long term financial burden.
He has conflicting thoughts.
From my perspective:
They are choosing a lifestyle above what their finances comfortably support
The current option is not even the level of care they will likely need later on
I am being positioned as the future backstop for an open ended, escalating cost
At the same time, I feel guilty.
He really is conflicted about this.
They are dealing with real health issues, and I can help.
Part of me feels like I should want them to have the nicest, easiest environment possible.
But I also feel it’s reasonable to expect them to choose something they can sustain on their own resources, especially when good alternatives exist.
He’s not sure what to do.
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I am not trying to abandon them; I want them to be safe, comfortable, and cared for.
I just don’t think I should be responsible for paying for a luxury home in one of the top 2% neighbourhoods in the country, especially when it may not even meet their future needs.
AITA for drawing a line and refusing to subsidize this plan, even if it means they have to go for something less upscale?
It’s hard to make a decision without knowing what the other options are. If there are actually nice, affordable options, they should seriously consider those. I’m wondering what the difference is and why his parents have their heart set on this one specific location.
Let’s see what Reddit suggests.
A physician shares his perspective.
An RN weighs in.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a mom who can’t figure out why her babysitter quit after what she thought was a routine question.
One person suggests a way to explain it to his parents.
Nobody thinks he should help his parents pay for a place they can’t afford.
Maybe he can do some leg work and try to find other more affordable options to present to his parents. Then, instead of saying “no,” he’s saying, “I like these better.” Maybe he has already tried that, but the reality is that they’re not thinking long term enough. It’s only going to get more expensive.
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