26 Married People Who Are Absolutely Hilarious
by Trisha Leigh
There’s no one right way to be married, or to stay married, but I think most people who are doing it would tell you that being able to laugh at yourself or the situation is up there as far as hacks.
And if that’s true, these 26 people are going to stay married for a long, long time.
26. I’m on the wife’s side here.
Sorry not sorry.
I'm your wife. You might remember me from such hits as "We are leaving in two minutes" and its sequel "Why are you in the shower?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 10, 2022
25. He’s giving you permission.
You’ve gotta jump on that.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022
He’s been trying to get fired for a long time.
So i just learned after 27 years of “umm…sure i guess so, yeah but the other one looked nice too” i have been fired as my wife’s fashion consultant and my daughter now has that job
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) November 12, 2022
23. Seriously why can’t they see anything?
Is blindness in their DNA?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022
22. We know how to do it.
We just don’t want to.
Asked my husband if he’d put air in my tire and he started explaining how to do it like he’s never been married to me before.
— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) November 16, 2022
21. Don’t do it.
You’re just going to regret it.
Been listening to my wife talk about her work drama and I’m trying to think of the best way to let her know I love her but I think I’m on Denise’s side on this one.
— The Dad (@thedad) October 18, 2022
20. It’s untenable.
And yet so many of us are living it.
marriage is between two people, one who falls asleep with TV volume on low and one who wants it blaringly loud
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 3, 2022
19. He should realize by now.
Also that he definitely wants that gold star.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 3, 2022
18. I mean how dare he.
We’re brilliant in our heads!
My husband misses a lot of really good conversations I have with him in my head.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) November 13, 2022
17. That’s a lot of people’s favorite shade.
Why is it so hard to choose??
Marriage is amazing because you learn lots of things about yourself. For example, today I learned that my favorite shade of beige curtains is I DON’T CARE PLEASE JUST PICK ONE I’M IN HELL
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 15, 2022
16. The information we all need.
It’s pertinent to the decision making process.
IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this tv stand?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 30, 2022
15. Asking the important questions.
And then deciding who is going to check.
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 15, 2022
A pint is the serving size.
Apparently after your wife finishes a pint of ice cream the correct response is not "holy shit I've never been able to finish a whole pint".
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 7, 2022
13. It’s the only way.
But seriously, choose another path.
Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 18, 2022
12. True love.
It’s not EVERY night, though. Hopefully.
Married couples be like I’m gonna tolerate the shit out of you tonight
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) November 16, 2022
So many things slip our attention.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 1, 2022
10. There’s no right answer.
You do you, boo.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2022
9. Why is he even there?
That’s going to show up on his performance review.
The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022
8. Why is this so real, though?
I can’t stop giggling.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 4, 2022
7. Or just because they’re a pig.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) November 7, 2022
6. Like being back in your parents’ house.
I don’t know whether or not that’s a good thing.
My wife can make "Can you come in here please?" sound absolutely terrifying.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 3, 2022
5. It’s going to ruin his recommendations.
Establish dominance in your marriage by watching all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls under your husband's Netflix profile
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) November 1, 2022
4. Break out the booze.
It’ll happen twice as fast.
Netflix needs a Movies Your Husband Will Fall Asleep To So You Can Watch The Lindsay Lohan Christmas Movie category.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 12, 2022
3. There are so many options.
All provided by people attempting to live together.
My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022
2. That joke isn’t funny anymore.
Ask me how I know.
Me: Which ones do you think will make me jump higher?
Wife: OMG you’re 44 years old, just pick a pair of shoes already.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 7, 2022
1. Adorable, isn’t it?
You can’t convince me otherwise.
My wife has this cute way of saying I need to do something by saying we need to do something.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 3, 2022
These are hilarious.
I can only hope to be married to someone this funny, and so can you. Ha!