People Share The Most Hilarious Insults You Will Ever Hear
by Trisha Leigh
We all know it’s not nice to insult people without cause, but listen – there are a lot of people out there giving us plenty of cause on a pretty regular basis.
And when we hear the perfect comeback in the perfect moment, well, it sticks with us.
Which is probably why these 16 people still remember these insults all these days down the line.
”I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.”
15. Of course he did.
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
14. Have a chuckle.
Was out with some workmates on a Xmas night out. One guy I worked with was drunk and obnoxious with it. He said to the barmaid fancy sitting on my face.
Quick as a flash she replied why ? Is your nose bigger than your dick. Place erupted in laughter and he skulked off. That was over 20 years ago and it still gives me a chuckle.
13. Hard to imagine.
After football practice in high school, was walking to the locker room and the coach said to me “Smith (not real last name), any plans for the rest of the day?”
I said “Heading out with some of the guys on the team. Going to try to meet some girls.”
His reply: “Smith, you couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse on dollar day with a fist full of $100 bills.”
Stopped me right in my tracks.
This was 1980. I can’t imagine what would happen if a coach said that to a kid today.
12. She definitely had.
Reminds me of one my uncle told me.
Had a rather wild friend with an admittedly decent sized dick and while drunk at parties would almost always flop it out when trying to impress someone.
Tried chatting up a nurse one day, flopped it out, she looked at it, went ‘eh, I’ve seen bigger’ and went back to her drink, completely uncaring about it. Absolutely deflated his ego.
11. He got owned.
Was playing Pavlov(vr game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like “You’re bad because you’re adopted” and such like that.
He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like “I’d return the insult, but that’d imply someone wanted you”
Had the whole lobby erupting. IDK if it’s taken from somewhere or what.
10. A classic for a reason.
“You are so useless, you couldn’t pour water from a boot with instructions written on the bottom.”
9. The wrong day.
When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical “your mom” response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died.
Without missing a beat, the teacher said “leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
7. This is random and hilarious.
Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds.
6. He’d been waiting to use that one.
Bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line, bouncer quips “ Can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.”
5. OMG I’m deceased.
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie:
Dad: so what is it about?
Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity.
Dad: I can stay home and see that.
4. Gold from the Golden Girls.
Dorothy: Now remember ‘ma, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
Sophia: I think I crossed that line when I got a date
3. Just wait for it.
I was at a pool in Vegas and wearing a straw cowboy hat with my shirt open.
One friend said “damn, how can you not get laid with that outfit today”
Other friend said “don’t worry, he’ll show us.”
2. And then he was single.
My dad tells a story of when he had an argument with an ex.
She asked him, “Well, farmboy, what’s it like having s^x with a pig?”
He responded, “I’ve had better, but you seemed to enjoy it.”
1. Oh dang.
Some guy on Reddit says he had fornicated with OPs mother.
OP replies “I’m happy to know that I’m no longer her biggest disappointment”.
I haven’t heard any insult that epic before or since.
These are some absolute classics.
I only hope I can craft something equally as perfect one day.