Long-term relationships like marriages are tough. They go through seasons, with plenty of ups and downs, and because we’re all human, many couples make the same mistakes along the way – some of which end up costing them their relationships.

If you’re curious whether or not you and your partner are making some mistakes that should be avoided at all costs, check out this list!

16. Be practical.

I always tell people to never marry someone you wouldn’t go into business with.

Because marriage is a legal business. It is a marriage contract. Not like a contract you sign for internet service or to buy a car. But a legal contract nevertheless. One that creates a business relationship with the other person. And one that requires going to court and paying financial settlements to extricate yourself from. You have to get the court’s permission to dissolve the legal contract.

If you can’t imagine yourselves, I don’t know, opening a dry cleaning business together. Or starting the next great start up. Or running a B&B. Or opening a tire shop. Or running a multi million dollar media empire. Whatever it is.

If you think of that and think things like, “Oh god no, they’d drive me crazy. They’d have wacky ideas. We’d never agree. I’d have to make all the decisions and not tell them.” Or anything else that indicates fear and loathing of the idea of going into business together then DO NOT, I repeat in bold flashing lights DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON. Because to marry them is to open a business enterprise with them.

People in the past knew that marriage was a business arrangement. They set people up with eligible singles from other families. They knew that it creates a legal and financial contract. And that people are more likely to be happy with other people who share their values around money and major life decisions. Yes sometimes people married for convenience or expectation rather than for love. But now we have people marrying for love in irresponsible ways. Not every love marriage is irresponsible, but enough of them are.

They say people divorce over money, but they don’t, they divorce over values. Because nothing brings out someone’s values like money, or lack thereof.

The decisions a person makes around money tell you more about who they are and what they value than anything else.

If you can’t agree with the person your partner is when it comes to money, if you can’t understand their priorities, their fears, their hopes, their dreams, their goals, and what drives them financially, or if you look down on them for any of that or think you can fix them, or if they hide any of it from you, then don’t marry them.

15. One person can’t do it all.

Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies.

Keeping secrets or lies.

Failure to communicate effectively – this can be taught.

14. Give up control.

Therapist here, have served couples.

Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity.

Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! 🙂

13. It’s not a competition.

I went to 5 sessions with my wife during a tough period.

The best things we learned from that is:

1. never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. We have been married 17 years so there is limitless crap we can pull out of our history together to highlight past wrongs and that just derails what could be a quick resolution.
2. when one half says “I am not happy about X”, do not respond with “ok but I am unhappy with Y.” Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.

12. Fight fair.

I used to get easily sucked into fighting, to the point that I would be more focused on the fighting (behaviors) than the fight (cause). Here’s what I learned over my many mistakes and attempts to change my behavior:

1. Stay on topic. Oftentimes, when people feel threatened, fight-or-flight kicks in, and they choose not to run – so they fight. In these “panic” cases, they might grab onto any ammunition they can get their hands on. This deviation, in turn, takes the conversation away from the original debate and allows it to become a full-out fight. Staying on topic, even if you are feeling threatened, will help you minimize the potential damage of any ensuing argument.
2. Remember that you and your SO are supposed to be on the same team. If one of you fails, both of you failed. Instead of focusing on fault, focus on solutions – what can you learn or do to not have to deal with that particular problem ever again?
3. Learn how to recognize when you’re wrong, even if it’s in the middle of a fight.
4. Deploy Diffusion Bombs. Learn a couple of lighthearted ways to acknowledge that you’re wrong in the middle of a fight. My favorite is “Only someone really smart would have thought about that!” I can admit my failure (and I only have to resort to saying I’m normal smart instead of anything self-deprecating), while also stroking the ego of the person I was arguing with. Something like this instantly changes the tone, and that can be valuable to either ending the conflict or at least refocusing/resetting to the actual topic at hand.
5. Learn how to recognize when what you’re fighting for isn’t worth the effort it would take to obtain it.

I hope some of those are helpful.

11. Remember it’s a partnership.

Keeping score. A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (I.e: I always…, she never…). Remembering that each person has his/her own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple.

Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, that they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt.

10. Rescue attempts.

Wife has degree in marriage and family counseling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to “repair attempts” during arguments/conflict. Rescue attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments.

Edit: people keep asking for an example. My wife didn’t buy movie tickets in advance for date night this last Sunday and it was sold out. It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, “we’ll, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other’s eyes!” That was her rescue attempt. It works two ways though, I also have to respond positively to it… which I did. We did a lot of staring longingly into each other’s eyes last Sunday.

9. Communication is key.

My girlfriend is queen of “if you really loved me you would just know that”…. “you’re my boyfriend, why wouldn’t you think to do that for me”… etc etc. Each time convincing herself that my lack of natural instinct for her needs indicates I must not REALLY care about her.

Like you said, she expects me to be psychic

I’m sure some guys do it too, but in my experience and talking to others, this happens with far too many women. I don’t quite understand where it comes from. Maybe because women personally have a higher emotional intuition and expect men to be the same.

Or maybe it’s because so many have the “Prince Charming” syndrome. They grew up watching fairytales and romcoms where the perfect guy knows exactly what the girl wants at all times. Like some mythical manly romance wizard…they’re always one step ahead, and the girl never has to explain anything to them outright about what they’re thinking, feeling or need.

8. Get on the same team.

As soon as couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bulls**t of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other’s goals.

If you’re not on the same team, you’re just going to wind up annoying the f**k out of each other. All that bulls*%t of life is going to be beating you down and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of a refuge.

7. Don’t wait to talk.

Not listening, most people listen to respond and don’t listen to hear.

This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!

6. A choice every day.

A small excerpt from the provided article that really hits the nail on the head:

• True love—that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy—is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy—nor should they!—and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.

Sometimes it’s tough, but boy is it worth it.

5. A short list.

I have provided couples counseling at different points in my career. Some of the common mistakes I will often see are:

1. Expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants
2. Goes with the first one, lack of communication/comfort with discussing difficult topics. Or one partner being uncomfortable with discussion a topic which leaves both partners feeling frustrated or dissatisfied
3. Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction/issues
4. Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength.
5. Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to s*x. Many relationships start with the “hot and heavy” phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn’t just come naturally.

4. Try not to be defensive.

When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don’t react harshly if it’s something they’ve refused to bring up sooner.

Getting loud or defensive “Why didn’t you bring this up sooner!” will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash.

This is especially true if they’ve been victims of any kind of abusive relationships.

Source: Literally killed my marriage because I was an idiot and didn’t respond in an open, non-positive way.

3. The Four Horsemen.

Currently a student in a Clinical Psychology Doctorate Program, focusing in Marriage and Family.

If you aren’t already familiar with it, I would recommend taking a look at John Gottman’s work on romantic relationships. He is one of the best known researchers on this topic.

Perhaps his most famous work is The Four Horsemen – in a 30 minute interview, Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Research from the Gottman institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy.

Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one (and it happens to be the one I’m the most familiar with).

My personal understanding on the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns/cycles of conflict (which generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace).

2. Be considerate.

One of the most toxic things I have found in doing marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who happen to be together and not as a couple. (Not that I’m advocating enmeshment.)

That’s not really marriage. That’s having a roommate, or perhaps less than that even.

Marriage is a union of two people. That’s what the unity candle and sand and knots are all about. There is a bringing together of two lives that is inseparable.

If either member still conceptualizes themself as a solely autonomous individual whose actions and dispositions impact only themselves, things will go bad eventually.

They go bad because it results in a person caring more for themselves than their spouse. This is seen where couples spend money behind each other’s backs because “it’s my money, why does it matter?” When couples keep secrets from each other, which inevitably results in pain. This is seen when couples don’t stop to consider their spouse’s thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, abilities, and strengths alongside their weaknesses.

The remedy to this is behaving as a unit in small ways and in large. If you’re getting something from the fridge, see if your spouse wants something. It even helps in arguments; no longer is it spouse against spouse but it’s the married couple against the issue causing stress to the unit.

When one person considers a course of action, their thoughts ought to be about how it impacts the unit.

Tl;dr “and the two shall become one flesh so they are no longer two but one.”

1. Not as easy as it sounds.

Divorce lawyer here.

Talk. About. Money.

Talk. About. S*x.

If you’re marrying someone with a sh**ty credit score, you should know how and why they ended up with it, lest you find yourself in their shoes very quickly. A credit score can cost thousands and take Y E A R S to rebuild. Know if they have any tax liens or liability. Are they paying child support and do they have any kind of garnishment? Who is going to be responsible for managing the finances? How many credit cards does the other person have and what are their balances? I’ve seen money kill a lot of marriages.

Another one a lot of people don’t think of is actually talking about s*x, not just having it. Do you enjoy the s*x you have? Would you like to have more of it? Less? Would you like to se it change? Do you or the other person have any weird kinks? Just have the talk. Different s*xual wavelengths can be difficult to reconcile.

I feel like these are super common and hard to avoid.

Too bad they didn’t include some tips on how to steer clear!