“Same Upbringing, Opposite Results”: Two Sisters Raised Strict Split Ways on Raising Their Own Kids
Magnific
Some things are simply too painful to discuss. But trying to pretend they didn’t happen can pose a different danger: to repeat the past.
And this is what a woman and her sister are dealing with after going through a very strict childhood and then having kids of their own.
It seems that her sister is repeating some toxic patterns without realizing it, but still wonders why her kids don’t confide in her.
They took different approaches and are getting different results, but when she told her sister her opinion about her parenting style, she felt hurt.
Should she have kept her opinion to herself?
Read the full story below.
AITAH for telling my sister she’s exactly like our parents which is why her kids don’t tell her anything?
My older sister (44f) and I (41f) had a rough relationship with our parents until their deaths 23 and 20 years ago.
Our parents were tough on us in all the ways they could be and they never made us feel like we could confide in them.
They’d order us to do it and they’d say we needed to be honest but we got punished for being honest.
To clarify what I mean by that I’ll give some non-specific examples.
If we were having a hard time in class and were struggling to keep up and we told our parents about it we would be grounded for not doing well in school.
This made being honest a bad choice.
We’d get the help we needed but we were lectured and punished so much it was easier to struggle in silence.
Or if we were having trouble with an adult and we confided in our parents it was automatically jumped on that we better be respectful and we were grounded for speaking badly about an adult in a position of authority.
Being burnt out wasn’t allowed either and asking for a break would get us punished.
It was like being in the military.
Our parents had rules like you must clear your plate and you couldn’t ask for more food, you must ask for permission before getting a drink or a snack and when we got older you must ask for permission before making yourself something to eat.
We had morning and evening chores and we couldn’t do them all at once.
They had to be done at their designated time. We didn’t get out of them when we were sick either.
Curfew was super early and we weren’t allowed to pick our own friends entirely.
Having friends was a luxury.
Our parents often cut off friendships for us because they didn’t approve of the family and it would be something really ******** stupid like they thought the parents were too young or the name they picked was trashy.
My sister and I were relatively close thanks to that upbringing and the fact we lost our parents when we were still pretty young ourselves.
But my sister slowly became more like our parents.
She’s very strict with her kids (now teens and preteens) and her and her children’s relationship is a perfect mirror of ours and our parents relationship.
They have different parenting styles.
While my kids are a bit younger I have always worked on not being the same kind of parent mine were and my relationship with my kids reflects that.
My sister has commented on how open my kids are with me and how much they talk to me in comparison to how little hers talk to her.
It turned into her dunking on me and speaking bitterly about the difference in our relationships with our children every time we spoke.
But the answer seems pretty obvious to her.
At one point she accused me of doing no parenting and I told her no, I parent my children but I didn’t turn into our parents with my children like she did with hers.
I told her that’s why her kids tell her nothing and it’s history repeating itself again.
She feels that was the cruelest thing I could’ve said to her and maybe it was. But I see so much of our childhood in how she is with her kids but in a less vicious way at times.
Although it might be due to her husband being different and therefore there’s less two ganging up on them all the time.
But I know what I said got under my sister’s skin and it’s still bothering her.
AITAH?
Maybe she could have phrased it differently, but it was the truth. What did Reddit think?
Sign up to get our BEST stories of the week straight to your inbox.
Yup.
A reader shares their thoughts.
Something to consider.
Another commenter chimes in.
She needs to recognize it before it’s too late.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a grandson who is tired of driving 5 hours one way to work on his grandparent’s investment property for free.
Of course, it is important to consider how you’re going to deliver information as well as focus on the information rather than on how it was said.
In my opinion, being careless is as bad as being dishonest to not hurt someone’s feelings; after all, both will create disconnection and won’t really help.
Also, telling someone they have become like their parents after a difficult childhood probably hurts more than most things you could tell them.
So you need both truth and kindness.
She could have told her sister that although she can see her efforts and her kids’ qualities, she also noticed a few patterns that might be contributing to their behavior. It’s always a good idea to ask, “Do you want to know my opinion?” as well, before saying it.
Preparing someone for a harsh conversation can work wonders.
Enjoyed this story?
Sign up to get our BEST stories of the week straight to your inbox.
